When a person feels physical pain, it is quite easy to say that he is in pain. But when the soul hurts, what to do, how to explain it, and how to deal with it?
Features of mental pain
As you know, mental pain is not measured by any devices. Oddly enough, sometimes a person cannot even describe it, but most of us have felt it at least once in our lives. Often, small wounds on the body heal quite quickly, but it can take more than one year to eliminate the pain in the soul.
The emotional suffering that a person feels at this moment is often incommensurable with anything. The painful sensations that a person has at this moment depend on the individual characteristics of the individual and the reason that provoked such a failure in the body.
Causes of mental pain
If we consider mental pain in a broad concept, then there can be an incalculable number of reasons for its occurrence. Most often, such unpleasant sensations appear due to the loss of a loved one. This may be a break in relations, a serious quarrel, death. In all these cases, there is a feeling of emptiness, a lack of this person, which entails the appearance of mental pain.
Asking the question of why the soul hurts, you can find other answers. Often this happens for the reason that the goal was not achieved. For example, a person spent most of his life creating a breathtaking career, but he remained an average worker. Someone focused on family life, but things are heading for divorce. Moreover, in most of these cases, oppression occurs not because the desired did not work out, but because of the condemnation of the inner circle.
Also, situations can be associated with public opinion when a person does not want to do something, but “must”. This very need is most often far-fetched. In society, certain ideals appear over time, trying to achieve them, a person forgets about what he really wants. Not getting even the slightest pleasure from daily work every day, he cannot achieve a feeling of joy, constant tension eventually affects his state of mind.
How to deal with the problem
Most people in such a situation are not interested in the cause of such sensations, but in the answer to the question "When the soul hurts, what should I do?". You need to understand for yourself how to relate to this pain, what to do in a similar situation, and how to respond to what happened. All these steps will be part of the recovery and getting rid of the aching sensations.
How to deal with pain
Do not perceive pain as something negative and destructive. Pain, both mental and physical, gives us a sign that a failure has occurred in the body. This state becomes the first signal that warns of much worse consequences. And you need to direct your internal reserves to eliminate the first impulses.
The constant state of depression, apathy and dissatisfaction only gets worse with time. If no action is taken, then as a result of a continuous depressed mood, a person morally begins to “corrode” himself from the inside.
How to react
It is much easier to cope with torment when you know why the soul hurts. There are several tips that help in different situations. After all, a person will cope with a problem in different ways if there is mental anxiety and when there is a feeling that no one needs it.
Loss of a loved one
You have to feel the greatest pain in those moments when you lose a loved one forever. Even more depressing is the realization that you can’t return those joyful moments that connected you.
In such a situation, you do not need to keep everything in yourself, especially in the first time after what happened. It's best to cry, whether it's for someone or just alone. After you let go of the most negative emotions, you should take care of your own recovery. You need to accept the fact that a person has left this life, but you are still alive, do not give up on yourself. Oddly enough, in this situation, most people who have experienced this support the claim that time heals. No one will say how much water must leak for you to return to real life again, but it will definitely happen.
Do not shut yourself off from the help of loved ones, they can distract you a little. When the soul hurts from losses, loneliness is not the best adviser, therefore, to restore vitality and energy, try to get involved in the life of society more often.
Loneliness
At some point in life, most people feel abandoned and unwanted. If the soul hurts from loneliness, the main thing is not to close yourself in. The more you focus on yourself, the more this state absorbs. It can be hard on the soul from loneliness after parting, or such pain can arise as a result of a feeling that no one needs it.
Getting out of the daily routine, meeting new people, traveling and even art will help to cope with loneliness. Needlework is a great way to recover from a failed relationship. Choose for yourself what you like, whether it is painting huge oil paintings or collecting match houses, the main thing is that this activity completely absorbs and captures you.
If you broke up, but still work at the same job or are in the same company of friends, then a change of scenery would be the best option. It is not necessary to go to the other end of the Earth to be distracted. Camping with tents in a nearby forest will have exactly the same effect.
There is also one popular and quite effective way when it's hard at heart. Workaholics in this case are completely saved by work. This is a fairly effective method, but you should not use it as a long-term treatment, because you can lose touch with all your relatives and friends. Therefore, it is better to perceive this method as a temporary therapy.
Woe
The concept of grief is quite broad, it can include both mental and physical losses. When the soul hurts from grief, it is necessary to realize and accept what happened, and then begin to move on. Everything passes and changes, medicine allows you to treat most diseases, and financial losses can always be restored. Time heals, and after a while you yourself will begin to forget about what happened.
Resentment
A fairly common state of the human body, when the soul hurts from resentment. Injustices in this life lie in wait for us at every corner, and with all the desire it is impossible to cope with everyone. If the feeling of resentment arose as a result of a situation that you can influence, then it is best to act and strive to restore justice. If the situation is obviously win-win, it is better to let it go and forget it as soon as possible. Resistance will take much more vitality from you than ignoring what happened. If a feeling of resentment arose after what a loved one said to you, it is better not to corrode yourself about this, but to talk frankly with him. A fairly common situation is when a person winds himself up and thinks out the development of the plot to one phrase. A constructive conversation will help to find out the essence of the problem and understand for yourself, first of all, whether there is a reason to be offended.
First aid at home
Most often, the most ordinary things are able to restore a positive attitude and pull a person out of an oppressed state. Therefore, you need to remember some tips that will answer the question "The soul hurts, what should I do?". Easy tricks to eliminate psychological trauma:
In the most difficult situations
When the soul hurts, what to do in the case when no method helps, and you yourself feel that you are more and more drawn into this state? There remains one more proven method of dealing with mental pain and depression - a trip to a psychologist. Some people are extremely negatively opposed to this, believing that it is a waste of money and time. Actually it is not.
A long-term state of mental pain, which is intertwined with chronic depression, is no longer regarded simply as a failure in the body, but as a disease. And who better to help cope with the disease, if not a doctor?
Mental pain should not be underestimated, against the background of this problem, violations of the physical condition of a person develop, and health problems appear. The patient becomes distracted, which negatively affects work and study, and will subsequently give an additional impetus to aggravate depression.
A visit to a psychologist will allow you to find out how the situation looks from the outside. A positive feature is that a person can impartially look at what happened. Also, the psychologist will surely offer you several options for getting out of this state, it will be possible to choose the most effective and least painful for you. The human psyche has many features that only an experienced psychologist understands, so his help most often becomes the most effective among all options for getting rid of depression.
Don't lock yourself in
If you feel that for some reason you have internally broken down, and you can no longer cope on your own, you should not close yourself off from everyone. Such a state can be compared to a disease that you do not tell anyone about, but at this time it is aggravated and causes more and more harm.
Talk to a loved one, if it is psychologically difficult to do this, tell a stranger about your experiences. Constantly holding negative thoughts in ourselves, we poison our essence.
recovery or aggravation
Some people confuse relief from mental pain with temporary relief. Choosing alcohol or drugs as an ally, a person must understand that they will not help in any way to cope with the problem. The intoxication passes, but the pain does not disappear anywhere. Such methods of treatment are akin to self-deception, we forget about the problem for a while, but it does not go away.
To get rid of mental pain, you need to understand what its root cause is, get rid of it, accept it or forget it. You should not run away from the decision, the faster and more radically you begin to deal with mental pain, the better the result will be.
Even in a good relationship, anything can happen: quarrels, scandals - without this, nowhere. But no matter how angry you are with your partner right now, remember: There are buoys that are better not to swim. Otherwise, your "love boat" will soon become damp and go to the bottom. Tested by the experience of my clients in nine years of psychological counseling.
So:
Buoy 1. Humiliation
When the conflict is in full swing, the desire to win at any cost is great. But if the price of victory is the humiliation of a partner, you can easily lose a relationship. In the heat of a quarrel, we pour out all the accumulated dirt on our partner. These are insults (“you are a fool” - the softest), “poking” your nose into shortcomings, threats to leave such a “freak” ... and so on.
When the storm subsides and you make peace, everything will be forgotten. But ... usually, in the heat of a quarrel, people hit the most painful places of a loved one that they managed to recognize during the relationship. The insult is forgotten, but the sediment remains. It's like a wormhole in an apple. And with each subsequent scandal, the worminess of the apple increases. In the end, you will get a spoiled apple. That is relationships.
And how then to swear?
During a quarrel, it is better to talk about your condition at the moment when a loved one does something wrong. For example: “When you were late at work and did not remember about my performance in the evening, I was terribly offended. I cried for two hours. It was an extremely brutal act."
(Note that here I'm defining an act, not a person. Even a good guy can do shitty things - I think it's not a secret). If the quarrel goes in this direction, there are more chances that you will be heard. When you attack a person (even justifiably), there is a desire to defend yourself, but not to listen. And the last thing you want is to take your position and understand how you feel.
Buoy 2. Comparison
It is quite normal that your partner does not suit you in everything. And it is clear that you want to make it better. It's all about methods.
Many use the tried and tested Soviet pedagogical method: comparison. Remember at school: “Petya Ivanov is our pride! Excellent student, draws well - take an example from him! Remember your feelings at this moment: and shame that you do not meet this high standard of Ivanov, and the understanding that you will never reach, and resentment that they do not appreciate ... and a strong desire to do everything awry, out of spite ...
What happens to you when someone close to you compares you to someone? I think you are hurt and offended. It turns out that comparison is an inefficient way.
How do you tell your partner that you are not happy with something?
Try to talk. Let's say if you don't like your partner's figure: “Would you like to go to the gym? So I'm going, because I ate the sides ... but one was too lazy. Let `s together! You will cheer me up, and I will cheer you up! If your partner agrees, great. But he may refuse. Then this is the position of a person, and it is difficult to do anything with it. You will have to decide what is more important: the figure of a partner or a relationship with him.
Displacer 3. Depreciation
Imagine I bought myself a new dress. I resort to a close friend - I brag. And she told me: “So you kind of had it ... It would be better if I bought a coat instead of the old one ...” Curtain. Shopping pleasure ruined.
Or, for example, a husband animatedly tells you about a friend's new car. And you: “Why are you telling me about Volodya. Everything is clear with him - he has nowhere to put his money. You'd better take out the garbage, yesterday you promised and didn't do it. We've arrived. The husband understands that his pressing affairs are on your drum.
It is highly likely that soon he will go where he will be listened to. And not necessarily a blonde with a round booty. It could be an ordinary woman. Who just knows how to be attentive.
And what if you get bored listening?
It is only natural that you and your partner have different interests. However, show
respect for the hobbies and affairs of a loved one. And if it’s completely unbearable ... Are you sure that you live with that person?
Buoy 4. Silence (aka ignoring)
The golden classic of my childhood: if my mother is offended, my mother is silent. And he does not explain the reason for his silence. I myself had to be clearly aware of my unworthy behavior. But I didn't understand! But I remember how scary and uncomfortable it was as a child. And when she grew up, she actively practiced the same “family” method of communication.
The destructive effect of it is amazing. In terms of the equivalent, you seem to pack your things for no reason and leave for a month, for example, to Mexico. Showing with all your appearance that it is the partner who is to blame for your flight. And he remains alone - in confusion and bewilderment. And after each such story, something falls off from the former proximity. Until there is nothing left of her.
What if I can't talk about my feelings?
Communicate in any way: write letters, send SMS, draw messages with lipstick on the wall ... why not? The main thing is not to close. This only makes you worse.
Buoyok 5. Leaving the conversation
Through irony, ridicule, denial of the conflict itself.
You to the guy: “Let's talk about what happened yesterday. I was hurt by what you did." And he answered: “Oh, you are my crybaby, you just have to cry,” or: “So it was yesterday, why remember that.” Or your husband says to you: “Let's discuss the budget. We've been planning for a long time." And you: “Oh, I need to call Masha, otherwise she will be offended.” This is an escape from an uncomfortable conversation.
When you are scared and do not want to deal with other people's emotions and affairs, you move away from the problem. Different ways. For a loved one, such actions speak of your indifference. It hurts him or her.
So how do you overcome the fear of speaking?
Talk about your fears. For example: “I know that we have been going to discuss the budget for a long time, but I am afraid that in the course of the conversation we will quarrel. We look at finances too differently.” It becomes clear to the other person what exactly is happening to you. And this is an occasion for a constructive conversation.
Most often, people do not hurt each other out of malice. But because of a misunderstanding. A joke on the subject.A man hails a taxi
Where are you?
No, I will not go to the boas ...
No, you misunderstood me ... Where do you want to go?
Well, if necessary, let's go to the boas.
Mila Kolpakchi, psychologist
Each of us has experienced betrayal in life. When a person from whom you do not expect suddenly plunges a knife into the heart, and sometimes not just a knife, but a huge cleaver, and even to the elbow.
What to do? How to react? What to do in order to live on and not be injured?
Forgive for your happiness
Of course, the first reaction is pain, misunderstanding, resentment and the desire to take revenge / revenge / revenge. But what does God's Word teach us?
If you forgive people for their transgressions, then your Heavenly Father will forgive you. And if you do not forgive people, and your Father will not forgive you your offenses.
Matthew 6:14-15
God wants us to forgive each other. And not at all for the sake of our offenders, but above all for our own sake. After all, He clearly said: if you do not forgive each other, why should I forgive you?
And there is something to forgive! After all, how many times a day do we violate God's commandments, not only in deeds, but also in thoughts? And for some reason we believe that He should turn a blind eye to this and fulfill our slightest whims for days. And if someone just stepped on our foot, we already clack with displeasure and consider the person guilty for all our problems.
Understand, if we do not have God's forgiveness, we do not have peace in our souls, because guilt and dissatisfaction will constantly hang on the heart. Like a cache in a computer that has not been cleaned for a long time. Everything seems to work, but something constantly hangs.
How to forgive?
Nobody says that forgiveness is easy. It's very hard. Sometimes people can't let go of past wounds for years and decades, thus putting a wall between their destiny and the blessings that God has for them.
So what to do?
- Choose a time and environment where you can be quiet and alone.
- Ask God to remind you of the people you haven't forgiven yet.
- Write down the names of those who offended/betrayed/offended you.
- Next to each name, write the action that hurt you.
- Say loudly: “I forgive ... (name) for ... (what the person did to you). I bless ... (person's name) and let go.
- Now ask God for forgiveness: “Dear Lord, I realize that without forgiving other people, I had no forgiveness before You. Please, forgive me my sins and cleanse me from every burden on my heart. I place all offenders in Your hands. Bless me and help me to live according to Your commands and with Your help.”
If you feel like crying or screaming, don't hold back. Through tears and emotions, all unspoken pain will go away, and it will certainly become easier.
How do I know if I've forgiven?
I drew the following conclusion for myself: to forgive means to accept that a person owes you nothing more. He doesn't have to answer to you for what he did. He will be responsible for his actions and deeds before God.
Also, if negativity and heaviness no longer arise at the thought of a person, then you have forgiven. Check yourself!
Forgive each other. Even if it seems that it is impossible and unfair.
Forgive, because forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give to someone.
You have probably heard more than once that the closest people can hit the most. And not only because they know everything about us and see weaknesses well. But because they do not care about the "calf tenderness", protocols of courtesy, ceremonies that are necessary for strangers. Like, your people, why shuffle your foot? .. Is this really so? Let's try to figure it out.Many of us are waiting and looking for a loved one who would accept us with all our cockroaches, shortcomings, temperamental features, rudeness, weaknesses and other unpleasant moments that we so carefully retouch in front of strangers. With strangers you need to be polite, attentive, but with your own - you should not strain. And so good! They know us, why throw dust in our eyes? It's even disingenuous somehow. If you are a brute or a bitch, then you have to be yourself to the end.
Do not confuse flies with meatballs. Politeness, attentiveness are not masks for comfortable wearing in public. This is the degree of our readiness to recognize the value of another person and not spoil his life with our selfishness, bad temper, harsh words and indifference.
Unfortunately, finding “their” person for a large number of people means, finally, relaxing and letting go of the reins with which you have been reining yourself all the time so as not to turn into a swamp. Well, finally, you found such a person, and away we go! What only we sometimes do not allow ourselves, testing the patience and love of the closest people. After all, we think: “He will endure everything, he loves me. Let him know what I really am!” But it turns out that “loving others is a heavy cross,” especially if they are completely devoid of brakes.
Brakes are the main and necessary condition for normal movement along the life track.
Otherwise, you can run into such turns that the handbrake will not help. Some families become like a kind of theater of the absurd, in which husband and wife compete with each other in showing their true face. “The eyes saw what they bought,” the participants in the performance like to say in this case. And they have no idea how they put a time bomb under themselves. Because any patience, of course, has a limit. And when the tests reach this limit, then everything breaks down and flies into hell and it is no longer possible to stop it with any persuasion, apologies and other family therapy. Moreover, retribution sometimes comes unexpectedly, just from there and then, from where and when we least expect it. And we are still surprised: “But he said that he loved me, but he himself ... left me at such a difficult moment. How could he? And how could you test it for so many years? Here we waited. And the moment to choose, thank you, when patience has burst, there is no time for choosing moments. Although a really good person can wait until everything is fine with you, and then he will hit you in a moment of serenity. That's better? Not the fact that you will like it more and you will be ready to hit. And do such convenient moments even exist?
“When driving a nail into the soul, remember that even pulling it out with your apologies, you will still leave a hole there, which will overgrow for a long time and torment its owner. Do not hurt those who love you with all their hearts,” said Erich Maria Remarque. I would venture to continue his thought: “Otherwise, a hole will remain from his heart, and when you want to hide there, you will fall into the abyss.”
There is an opinion that if a person wants to be with you, then none of your shortcomings will interfere with him. One can argue with this dubious statement. Some shortcomings can become a real test for the second half, especially if these are fundamental shortcomings or affect the painful points of a loved one, injure or humiliate. We all know that the one we love hurts the most.
It is not always clear to us what exactly can irreparably offend our loved ones, but if you have a heart and know how to observe, you will definitely notice this and do not allow yourself even at first glance harmless words addressed to the one you love.
To some extent, we are all reflected in each other, as in a mirror. And if that's really the case, then "The mirror is always your best friend and lover, because when you cry, it never laughs".
Close people are close because they feel all our moods. They are so close to us that they cannot help but experience the same emotions that we do. Therefore, if you let the dog down on someone, then be prepared that he will cry from pain and fear, and the dog will return to you. And not only in the form of an evil grin (love is love, and the nerves of even the most loving are not iron). Your own conscience can bite you very painfully, if you, of course, have one.
If you think that in this way you experience someone's feelings, then you are deeply mistaken. You don't experience them, you kill them. Because you demonstrate not love, but disrespect and inattention to your soul mate. Of course, one could reproach loved ones for not wanting to see you the way you are. But look at yourself with a critical eye. And think, you yourself, if you behaved like this, how would you react?
How to be yourself and not hurt your loved ones?
I propose to remember and apply only two rules:
The golden rule of morality. The first is a very simple and transparent way. Don't think about yourself. The people who hurt us may not have wanted to hurt us, but for sure they wanted to hurt themselves, that is, they didn’t think about us at all. Therefore, the main principle that we should be guided by in life and not only in relation to our loved ones, but to all people in general, Confucius conveyed simply: “Do not do to others what you do not want for yourself.”
At different times, philosophers and sages formulated it in their own way, but the essence remained the same: "Love your neighbor as yourself." The Jewish sages reflected this wisdom in this parable: “A pagan came to a teacher and said: “If you tell the whole Torah while I stand on one leg, I will become a Jew.” One rabbi drove him away with a stick. And another spoke about the golden rule: “Do not do to your neighbor what is hateful to you: that is the whole Torah. The rest is just explanation. And now you must become a Jew.”
There is an Upadishadic formula for unity: tat tvam asi, that is, "It is you!" In other words, who or what you encounter is you. Look at him like you are.
A Nigerian proverb says: “Whoever is going to take a pointed stick and (pierce) a chick with it should first try it on himself in order to feel how much it hurts.”
The law of indisputable rightness. This means that your partner is always right, even if they are completely wrong. Seems like a paradox. But it has a special wisdom and depth. Men sometimes say this: "If you see that a woman is wrong, apologize." A wise decision that immediately relieves stress. Try to use the law of indisputable rightness, and you will see how most controversial issues will resolve themselves. After all, most of them are started by us for the sake of proving our own innocence. Kill them in the bud, immediately agreeing with the correctness of the one who started it. Most likely, he simply does not have enough of your attention, so he started these showdowns. Before offending, and before losing your voice to prove something, you should probably think about what is more expensive for you: your own rightness or maintaining a warm relationship. When you realize that your rightness does not matter to others, but is necessary solely for your self-affirmation, perhaps you become ashamed to insist on it.
Most of our disagreements are easily resolved before they even begin, if we think not about ourselves and our own rightness, but about our partner, his well-being, the reasons that cause his behavior.
Of course, there are things that are very hard to put up with. And even harmful and unnecessary. To some extent, we are called upon to correct each other's behavior, reflecting each other's negative sides and helping to cope with them. Otherwise, from whom will our beloved learn the truth about himself. Another thing is how we tell him the truth. And isn't this truth pure criticism, cruelty and destruction of a person with whom we are close. A loved one should not be a means for us to drain negativity, plug our own holes, exalt, entertain, receive benefits, security, etc. As we are for him. The people we encounter are not a means, but an end in itself. When we understand this, it will never occur to us to show our character by experimenting with their patience, loyalty and love.
Any relationship is not just a safe haven where we can be ourselves and show any of our qualities. This is the place where we rest our souls and feel safe. Not only we, but also our loved ones, hope for it. But to create such a mutually comfortable world for us is not so simple. After all, it is contraindicated to be
When it hurts, the sequence of actions is as follows: eliminate, remove, use, endure. And then think. More:
Eliminate
In the most careful and responsible way, consider the possibility of eliminating what causes pain.
Be careful. Be prepared for the fact that in unclear cases, different specialists will find a variety of reasons. See →
If the pain is of medical origin, be sure to go to the doctor and perform all (even unpleasant) procedures that he prescribes. If pain occurs when playing sports - consult with a trainer and reduce the load. Practicing "through the pain", you can become a champion, but after that remain disabled.
Take off
The sharp pain remaining after this is desirable to remove. Medicinal methods of pain relief - only after consulting a doctor, not medicinal - see Dealing with pain.
Use
The pain remaining after that is to be used. Options can be very different:
- spin the pain on and use the energy of anger.
- for training (relaxation of the body, defocused and just distraction),
- for conversations with loved ones, if this topic will bring you closer, and also give them the opportunity to take care of you.
Tolerate
Whatever is left after that is just to endure. If it is still too painful and difficult to endure, see
