Can a wife have a friend? Is it necessary to destroy the love triangle if your wife has a secret lover

They were always very good, warm, everything is fine with sex. We both work, average-good income, we have everything - an apartment to live in (before marriage - my family gave me), a car (personal, before marriage) - i.e. the material and household base for the family is very good, not every family had such a start. Both are beautiful, adequate, we are successful with Fr. gender. if they do, then usually, they didn’t return to them in the morning, they didn’t even have to discuss anything - everything is so petty compared to the fact that we were together.

Somewhere, about 8 months ago, my wife had a friend. they happened on a business trip, he also lives in Kyiv, but he hooked her already upon arrival, when they met again with a company of workers. Burned SMS correspondence. There was a conversation, he says that we had a period of cooling in our relationship (it was like that, a lot of work and any relationship always fluctuates), and he gave her emotions, sort of doubting me. She said she fell in love. We cried together, I calmly told her that I didn’t want to live with a person who would think about something else, and if she wants to, let her go. We decided that we would still try to survive this, because she believes that this is probably a hobby.

Since then, I have not remembered anything about this incident. I decided not to touch the phone either - because. Well, what the hell are these experiences, besides, it’s too much to humiliate yourself with distrust. It was very painful, but I was able to forgive her and not get embittered.

However, in early April, she called me to a conversation, where she admitted that she could not be with me. That despite the fact that she explained to this third that she was staying with me, he still came to her work (she hid this from me) and she decided to leave me for him. He says that he is "her", that they are very similar, their views on life are the same and all that. That can't resist feelings and it's not fair to me. She said she didn't have sex. Tears, snot from her ston, well, from mine too, but naturally I did not persuade and fall to my knees. No, it was just very painful and sad. He said absolutely calmly that I was not angry and I understand (the funny thing is that this is true, and I would have done it myself), I let her go if only she felt good. We agreed that we would spend the last ten days of farewell together, and the guy would wait. It was super, we went to restaurants, rode, walked, remembered how everything was cool with us - we talked very warmly, we came to the conclusion that we had a wonderful relationship, it’s a pity that everything was crossed out like that, but life is life. He did not allow himself a single reproach in her direction. (Yes, and there is no resentment, how can you be offended if the feelings have passed? Only a bitter understanding ..).

They told their parents, friends, they took things, moved out of the apartment. And after the expiration of the term, they parted ways.

I found that I was very stable emotionally. I learned to create a psychological mood for myself on which I can drive up to girls. I met two. It was hard even to kiss - I was so obsessed. This block took off the drain, it's about sex. I gave myself the installation - if she could not leave a friend for the first time and leave me for him - then everything is serious, and hope goes into the wastebasket. It helped me not to rush about. On the return scored immediately. Yes, and I think that we should not return, but the person himself should return - then it will be useful. In general, he devoted time to communicating with new people and friends.

During this time, she came to visit several times - they lay around, hugged, kissed (I acted as the initiator, she languidly argued and answered), she said that we were comfortable together, why not be friends - she stopped such conversations. Called, took through time or scored. In parallel, he told me that I was getting acquainted - there are interesting girls and all that. I read my correspondence with them. He showed that I can live fully without her. Gave small gifts. Once again, when she came, she asked not to come to me anymore, because. for me it’s better that she disappears from my life - she got very nervous and left (Although when we saw each other, it was just very pleasant for me, but then it became bad). After that, she wrote and called - she said that I was her own person and she did not want to lose me.

In general, three weeks after leaving - he comes to work to me and declares I was mistaken, I love only you, I want children. That guy is not mine, he is tormented by jealousy, etc., what do you say, let's start all over again? I realized how much you really love me. And it was necessary for me to understand how much I love teyuya. I replied that we would talk about this topic after she ended her relationship with this guy. She promised to follow up. day. Nothing happened - since the guy had to go on a business trip for three days and supposedly this was not the case on the road, then the guy was very busy, in short, nothing changed in a week. This week I behaved in a friendly but closed way - I thought that I would not open up until she took this step. To her requests (to give a ride there, etc.), he answered that I don’t communicate closely with busy girls.

As I said already, I had - and one girl was carried away by me. When my wife and I were talking about the fact that she should end the relationship with the guy, she asked me to do the same. I met a girl (by the way, not because of my wife, but since the girl turned out to be very good, but not mine), we talked and decided to be friends. The wife did nothing. But I found this girl's comments on VKontakte (in the style - "girls stand aside - this boy is mine"), correspondence (she has a password) and my answers. She demanded in SMS that I delete everything, in response to my refusal - she stated that she would not be with me until I did what she wanted, and that it was humiliating for her that others see what I have like new girl. To be honest, I’m just oh.l from such prejudices. I unsubscribed in the spirit that as long as she has someone, I consider myself free, if she were with me, I wouldn’t have anyone (which is the most important thing, I really didn’t have a relationship, which I told my wife about earlier), and what to do or just for the sake of her return - i.e. return under the fulfillment of some conditions that she sets me - this is unacceptable. After that, a lull for two weeks. They didn't call each other, they didn't write.

We met at a mutual friend’s place, when she saw me, she blushed, swallowed, I stared at her, smiled, acted friendly, exchanged a couple of meaningless phrases to indicate that I perceive everything positively. Before leaving, I decided to talk. Sat down - asked when you can meet to talk - because. I need clarity. She got nervous and suffered that there was no point in talking, she concluded that there could be nothing between us, I humiliated her, that they call her (those who do not yet know about our expense) and ask who I exchanged her for heh! I asked - you broke up with the guy, she replied that it does not concern me. Did he say since everything is so bad that we will get divorced? answered - find out what and how, call - we go to the registry office. From the conversation, there was a strong feeling that they decided to make me guilty for the fact that she could not leave that guy back to me. It was even ashamed of her, because before she was quite an adequate person.

It can be seen that there is resentment, perhaps for what she herself has done, she has broken firewood (no one supports her, that guy has two children from another, the character is not sugar, the mat. position is many times worse), but it was not possible to bend. The conversation did not continue - he left.

Five days later, we met by chance, nothing skipped a beat, I look at her and just feel a little sad. We talked for 2 minutes about nothing and parted ways.

I wrote the application. It's in my briefcase. I think that the wife should either be with me or I do not have a wife. On her part, I did not see any love, perhaps a sense of ownership, in conversations only I, I (I decided to return, I decided that, but I said about breaking up - well, we decided ...). There was one thing left for her, which I have to return, I think to come to work to hand it over, to look at the reaction - if everything is bad, give the application. Although after her words, probably in any case, it must also be handed over (filled in by two sides). It seems like there was nothing left before the decisive step, and sometimes it hurts so much, tears flow, you don’t know what to do. On the other hand, she didn’t convince me, and they don’t start relationships with reproaches, she just seems not ready, and did she still have it? Scary. The heart hurts, but the situation should not remain unresolved. This is probably more of a revelation than a request for advice, but it seems to me that if a person is for me, then a divorce will not divorce us for a long time, but life can teach her to appreciate those who are nearby. What do you dear forum users think?

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What are the signs that your wife is cheating on you? How does a woman change in her habits when she has an affair on the side? You will find answers to these questions in the article.

Another man
Cheating is the surest and most painful way to break up relationships, especially family ones, because the husband and wife made a vow of fidelity before the altar. Disclosure of betrayal by the second half either breaks the marriage, or, conversely, unites it - it depends only on the strength of love and trust of the spouses to each other.

As a rule, cheating indicates that a woman is dissatisfied with her partner or she is looking on the side for what, in her opinion, the relationship lacks. Do they seek good from good? Would an absolutely happy woman seek solace in the arms of another man?

Trust is a great thing, and yes, not trust in a partner, but trust in yourself and your intuition. Perhaps you felt a change in the relationship or noticed how the behavior of the second half has changed.

No one deserves to cheat, whether you're in a relationship crisis or not. If you suspect a girlfriend or wife of cheating, then it's time to dot the "i" and confirm your suspicions or, conversely, dispel them.

First of all, pay attention to the obvious things - how a friend dresses, whether she has a desire to look better, whether her communication style or work schedule has changed. Perhaps she frequented the gym? Or hides phone calls from you and email correspondence? Or maybe intimacy has disappeared in your relationship? Or is there an unusual tension? As a last resort, you can follow her, can't you?...

A wife's infidelity can cause a man the most serious emotional trauma from which he will not recover for a long time, not to mention the fact that betrayal can destroy a family.

Signs of female infidelity to her husband
Here are a few signs that will tell a man that his girlfriend is unfaithful to him.

Suddenly changed habits, changed her image. For no reason, for no reason, a woman begins to intensively deal with her appearance. Every morning she chooses clothes and accessories with great care, spends a lot of time in front of the mirror; She goes to the hairdresser several times a week and even bought a subscription to a fitness club, although she had never really cared about her appearance and figure before.

Emotionally withdrawn. You used to share all your problems and worries with your wife, and suddenly she lost interest in your life. She does not want to discuss intimate problems with you, withdraws into herself and reluctantly talks about her life. The girlfriend (or wife) is unenthusiastic about the offer to have sex, stays cold in bed, and generally prefers to sneak out of the house at the first opportunity.

is hiding. She no longer shares her anxieties and worries with you, does not talk about events at work. Is she avoiding you because she feels guilty? However, do not turn into Othello and paranoia - directly ask if everything is fine, and why she has been acting so strangely lately.

Lost interest in family matters. If your wife no longer meets you on the doorstep after a working day, but continues to do her business in the bedroom, it is possible that your family life threatened. If the other half needs to leave urgently, try to find an excuse to accompany her. If she refuses your company, try to insist to see how much your company interferes with her.

Rarely argues and does not enter into quarrels. In the past, the smallest reason was enough to piss her off - for example, your refusal to go to a cafe with her friends. Now the wife is an example of meekness and humility. She agrees with everything you say. Previously, you had to watch your every step, but now she does not even react to dirty socks scattered throughout the apartment and ashtrays overflowing with cigarette butts. Do not relax - such a change in attitude does not bode well for you.

Communicates more by phone and email. She spends more and more time telephone conversations, and speaks in a whisper or ends the conversation, as soon as you enter the room. Maybe she even opened a new email account without telling you. Or maybe she even bought a new one. mobile phone without informing you. Ask directly if she is cheating on you. If a friend (or wife) answers you with accusations, and not denial, then she really is unfaithful to you.

Constantly late. Before, she never came home late, but now it happens more and more often. Most often, the wife (girlfriend) explains her lateness with a rush job at work. Or another option - goes shopping and returns five hours later. Now that's a real cause for concern.

Adultery is not as easy to hide as it seems at first glance. The guilt that the wrong half experiences will definitely manifest itself somehow - in avoidance of serious conversations and intimacy.

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At some point, you found out that your wife had a lover. We will leave behind the scenes the details of the birth of this revelation, but the facts that you have learned, no doubt indicate that you are no longer the only one with her. You can, of course, send everything and everyone - so to speak, "unravel" this Gordian knot according to the principle of Alexander the Great, what if this woman is still not indifferent to you? Is it worth trying to return everything to its previous level, and will this level remain the same?

Classic love triangles are "husband-his mistress-wife" or "husband-wife-her lover". Less pleasant (more precisely - absolutely unpleasant), from the point of view of a man, of course, the second. This option, by the way, according to experts and less long in time. If the “husband-lover” link can exist for a very long time, then, as a rule, the links in the “wife-lover” chain fall apart much faster. Women, by their nature, are more attuned to family relationships and procreation, so they quickly determine which of the two "tops" of the triangle they prefer.

A woman finds a lover if something is missing in her marriage, usually for three reasons: when a man is not fertile or seriously ill, when she cannot realize herself in life, and this happens most often when there is no sexual relationship in a couple and mental attention.

With the first - everything is clear. The civilized way to solve the problem is a child from an anonymous donor, the least complicated way is from a very specific “neighbor”. Such relationships, as a rule, end quickly, and are usually not taken seriously by a woman. It is difficult to influence the situation here, unless by the hand you lead your wife, who dreams of a bunch of little kids, to IVF (artificial insemination).

In a situation where a woman finds a lover due to the impossibility of self-realization, the husband, as a rule, cannot do anything either. His only mistake was that he did not discern in the girl at the first stages of communication her true life values. For example, she is an actress, and she never intended to give up her activities (tour and concert plans) for the sake of her family.

The universal reason for the appearance of the third is that the woman lacks attention. Sincere. Sexual. This option is the most common.

Psychologist Igor Lyakh commented: “There is no need to blame only the man ... The fact that both partners do not pay enough attention to each other and sexual relations leads to the fact that other partners appear. As they say, husband and wife are one Satan, they both have to change and do something.

It is generally accepted that the appearance of a wife's lover in a couple is much more dangerous for marriage than the appearance of a husband's mistress. If a man most often everything goes at the level of shallow love, then a woman puts more emotions into relationships on the side than just sexual ones.

True, here Igor Lyakh clarified: “According to my statistics, this is not entirely true: the conditions are approximately equal - both male adultery can lead to the collapse of relationships, and female. It matters what role the cheater plays in marriage. If the matriarch (when the wife is the leader in the family. - I.K.) finds a lover, then the risk of this marriage breaking up is about the same as if the patriarch finds a mistress for himself - minimal. A man of a patriarchal warehouse found a mistress, changed for a while and returned to the family. So is the female patriarch.

The joke “a good leftist strengthens a marriage” is for patriarchs and matriarchs. For the rest, this is a possible reason for the destruction of relations.

The first reaction of an offended man, owner and male is to send everything and everyone, cut the so-called Gordian knot with one blow, put her things out the door, and instruct her lover in place of his virtual horns with quite real cones. The second way, if the husband's relationship with his wife continues to be deep, try to solve everything "without bloodshed." Most often, this also happens due to the presence of common children - they say, okay, we, but parting will not benefit our child at all.

If you decide to try to maintain a relationship with your spouse, you should not put forward any ultimatums. And to demand "once and for all" not to change is also stupid. After an honest conversation, you must be given a choice: let her decide with whom to stay. And also give some specific time (some experts believe that it takes about six months), after which she must announce the final decision. During this period, it is important not to remind once again about what happened and try not to show unnecessary emotions.

“We must not take revenge, do not harm, pay attention and understand that this is a difficult time for both. The very fact that the relationship was hidden suggests that the woman was not sure of the right choice, ”added Igor Lyakh.

Whether it is necessary to return his lost wife - everyone decides for himself. It depends on many things - how a man continues to treat his wife, children, family as a whole. Some psychologists argue that keeping a family for the sake of children is a pragmatic decision, but with a certain amount of selfishness (which is sometimes justified), others that this is completely unacceptable. If you decide on your own what to do is impossible, there is only one advice: find a judge - a specialist in family problems.

The continued relationship “after the third extra” will no longer be the same as “before the third” - either it will eventually lead to a break, or it will become neutral-isolated, or, in exceptional cases, may improve. Most often, after a woman's infidelity, relationships in a couple who decided to keep them become neutral-isolated - with hidden irritation and a decrease in sexual attention to each other. You can carefully glue your favorite cup, but cracks will most often still be noticeable.

Friendship between a man and a woman is possible, but very often a man next to a woman only pretends to be her friend, having completely different views on her. We will not discuss the fact that a woman at the same time herself can hide her real interests - we will only discuss how to bring a man "to clean water". So, ten signs of deception:

1. Present. The “deceiver” (a man who cunningly hides sighs under the guise of friendship) gives large, impressive, generous gifts. By this he hopes to impress your tender heart to the very depths. A true friend (a man who is interested in you as a friend) gives little and modestly. As a friend.
2. Help. If a man is ready to help always and in everything, at any time of the day or night, this does not mean anything. But if over the past month he came to save you six times on the Moscow Ring Road, and three times - in the dead of night, this is no accident. A man for whom you are just a friend is not ready to spend so much time on you. By the way, he also has his own woman.
3. Purchases. Does a man walk with you shopping malls with pleasure, walks into every store with pleasure and nods in agreement when you remember that you need a new handbag? Does he easily agree to this every weekend? You don't have a friendship - he just wants to please you. A true friend behaves exactly like a friend. Spends as much time in the store as he can stand and goes out for a breath of fresh air. Because it is customary for friends to respect each other's interests and not demand a complete rejection of themselves. That's how we men are.
4. Discussion of men. You can discuss your men with both a "deceiver" and a real friend. The difference is that the "deceiver" will always take your side. He will always agree with you and say that "he just doesn't deserve you." This is a clever trick - let everyone be bad, he alone is good, and sooner or later you will notice and appreciate it. A true friend will only be fair. If your man behaved like a goat, a true friend will say just that. If it was you who acted like a fool, a real friend will say so. This is true friendship.
5. Apologies. Everyone makes mistakes - they are late for a meeting, they forget to bring what was promised, they hurt with a careless word. Reaction difference. The "deceiver" rushes to repent, as if he were at the Nuremberg Tribunal. He is afraid that now he will lose your trust and communication. Therefore, he is afraid of any of his oversights, even the smallest. A true friend will just humbly apologize. If the error is serious, it must be corrected. If it's small, it's not worth the trouble.
6. Drunk. Sometimes friends drink together. And then you can immediately see who is who. If he is a “cheater”, he will start telling you how beautiful you are and how lucky the one who will be with you. Then he will tell about his difficult fate. Then he goes to kiss. A real friend will tell you about the upcoming elections and the prospects for hybrid engines. It's more interesting to him.
7. Attention. When you are around, the "deceiver" pays all his attention to you. From start to finish, you are in the center. Are you cold? Would you like a cocktail? Did you notice that picture over there? You look great, by the way! A true friend remembers that besides you, there is another person here - he. Therefore, you will get exactly half of his attention.
8. Women. A real friend is interested in other women in your company, he is curious about the idea of ​​“you need to meet Nastya!” (if, of course, he is free). The "deceiver" rejects all offers - softly or harshly, but always completely.
9. Communication. A real friend communicates with you like a real friend - relatively rarely, and more often not nose to nose, but through remote channels (ICQ, phone, VKontakte). This is because he has other interests among which he distributes his attention. The "deceiver" has the main interest - you. Therefore, he is ready to spend as much time with you as possible.
10. Sex. The "deceiver" wants to have sex with you, but is afraid that you will understand it. Therefore, it proves in every way that you are interesting to him not as a woman, but as a person. A real friend remembers that you are a woman and in principle allows sex between you, but "in some special case." He is interested in you, first of all, as a person.

If you can clearly identify three or more points in the behavior of a man, you have a “deceiver”. Further - you decide. In fact, a man's interest in you as a woman is not at all a minus for a man, but rather speaks of his good taste. Well, what about the fact that he hides this interest of his - think, maybe it’s too dangerous to discover him next to you?