Jealousy for past relationships. Jealousy for the past

Mistrust has ruined the future of many good couples. Jealousy is a big flaw in a relationship. She is especially stupid when it comes to the past. But many face it, do not know how to stop being jealous of the past. Nothing is impossible, there would be a desire.

Trust is the foundation of all foundations

Confidence: that you will not be deceived, will not be set up, will not be humiliated - the key to a long open union. In this case, we are talking about a man and a woman. When a person does not doubt a partner, he is calm, not afraid of anything.

In turn, he realizes that he has the same status. These are general unconditional rules - the basis, violating which you can bring down the balance. Moreover, if the rules are violated, both suffer: one, because he deceived, and the other was deceived and feels insulted.

Giving fidelity, we show a person his significance, while taking away our disrespect. No marriage can exist without trust. People simply understand their uselessness otherwise and leave.

It happens that trust has been undermined, but the person regrets it. Then he will have to work long and hard to recover in the eyes of the deceived. It’s worse when it’s the other way around: you’ve been offended, they’re also mocking you, pouring mutual accusations on you. In this case, the wound is often stays for a long time and someone else will suffer from it.

Why does jealousy appear?

Once burned, we wait for history to repeat itself. And it doesn’t matter that there is already a completely different person nearby, who has nothing to suspect. The old wound hurts.

Perhaps the new partner is pure and honest, but he has a past, and he had affairs. It is even worse when he continues to let friendly communication with the previous passion.

Then thoughts begin to appear in my head, constantly fueled by their communication:

• And suddenly I kiss worse;
• Or I don't have that wit;
• Maybe I don't make enough money or I don't cook well.

You can wind yourself up endlessly, sorting through weak spots what you think are weaknesses. Such thoughts provoke jealousy towards a person from the past.

You need to do something, otherwise your union may plunge into an environment of distrust, quarrels and, in the end, fall apart. But here the fault of both, it will be necessary to solve the problem together.

How not to be jealous of the past?

Jealousy is a sense of ownership and power. These are not very noble emotions. But if they appeared, getting rid of it is not so difficult:

• Immediately, as soon as jealousy has made itself felt, honestly discuss it with the partner. He will understand if he respects, and will take possible measures. But don't demand complete obedience, simple conversation is enough;
• Work on yourself: stop comparing. These are your complexes, they appeared a long time ago, the partner is not to blame for them;
• If you can’t cope on your own, contact a psychologist. He will help to find the reasons, get rid of them. It's good to go to the reception together.

Remember: one person cannot be the property of another, and above all, jealousy upsets the one who wears it. Having got rid of it, peace and joy will appear in your soul. You will start to please loved ones good mood. There will be a desire to do something for them, and not feel sorry for yourself. Nothing else is required.

Experts often face this situation. The first thing they say is that you have to work hard on yourself:

1. Increase self-esteem;
2. Fight your fears;
3. Take your free time with business;
4. Help others;
5. Learn to look at everything with a smile;
6. If you have children, do not forbid to see them. On the contrary, help to establish communication. Become their friend;
7. Do not provoke scandals, they will remind you of the past, make you nostalgic;
8. These memories are natural. Help to forget about them;
9. Learn to believe. At one point, abruptly and without reservation: “Enough suffering, everything is fine!”

Jealousy is characteristic of everyone, it is one of the manifestations of natural egoism, necessary for self-preservation. But sometimes you have to deceive your instincts. Happy and successful will be the one who learns to do this.

Why is the guy jealous of the past?

Separately, I want to say about men. In this situation, they behave ambiguously: they demand that the new partner does not take it into her head to be jealous of the previous one, but at the same time they constantly remind her of her predecessors.

It seems unfair, but how to restore the balance? Find reasons and understand. They are basically the same:

• Women's naivety and talkativeness. Men are owners and hunters, with your excessive sociability, frankness, you awaken these instincts, jealousy, as one of them. Sometimes it is better not to go into details, not to talk too much in conversations;
• Uncertainty about your feelings. Show that you love. Be careful, be kind. Show affection, spend more time around. After all, guys believe in deeds, not words. And there will be no doubts;
• He was deeply in love and burned. Age matters here. If he is under 35, hormones do not allow him to forget the insult. And after this age, everything usually goes away. You cannot cope with his emotions, do not give unnecessary reasons and wait, he will soon become wiser;
• Boredom. It is necessary to find an occupation: work, hobbies, housework;
• There is a reverse side of the coin. He is poorly informed and comes up with a scenario, which is enough for fantasy. Tell honestly how you lived before, why you quarreled, what was pleasant and what was not, why you broke up. But without fanaticism, but as a teacher in a lesson proves a theorem: dry and to the point. Do this once and forget, do not talk about such topics anymore.

If you want to be happy, be. Don't get hung up on how to stop being jealous of the past, just don't be jealous. Believe me - this is quite within your power, because you are a man of deeds, not words.

A PHOTO Getty Images

Any jealousy usually arises for one reason - we are afraid that a loved one or a loved one will leave us for someone else. Although this fear is most often unfounded and irrational, it is still based on the real possibility that, in theory, a partner may fall in love with a new colleague or meet someone on the Internet.

However, jealousy of the past has no real grounds.

Most often, former partners no longer pose any threat to current relationships, but jealous people cannot get them out of their heads, tormented by obsessive thoughts about former lovers or mistresses of their partner.

The manifestations of the first and second types of jealousy are surprisingly similar. Both cause anger, fear, anxiety, and paranoia. Both can lead a jealous person to do crazy things, such as spying on a partner with spyware on a computer or phone, or "interrogating." Both types of jealousy destroy relationships, and as a result, even a perfect union does not stand up.

Jealousy is always caused by insecurity, fear of losing a partner. And the longer you think about your partner's past, the stronger it becomes.

Both types of jealousy are difficult to get rid of. Moreover, it is usually more difficult to recover from jealousy of the past, simply because it is directed not to the present, but to the past. The very fact that the suffering jealous person understands how irrational his feelings about the events left in the past makes getting rid of this scourge a difficult task.

Intellectually, the jealous person understands that everything that worries him is left behind, but on an emotional level he cannot get rid of heavy thoughts. As a result, he falls into a vicious circle - the more he understands that his thoughts are insane, the deeper he plunges into this madness.

Unfortunately, phrases like "Yes, forget about it already" or "His (her) past made them what they are now" do not help the jealous. If it were so easy for him to decide for himself - “That's it, I won't think about it anymore. Stop living in the past,” he would have done it a long time ago.

How can a jealous person break the vicious circle? Here are three solutions.

1. Don't think.

The more you think about events from the past, the more anxiety will grow, it will begin to feed on itself.

2. Increase your self-esteem.

Remember - if you can't change the situation, change your attitude towards it. The problem is not in the past, but in our distortion of it. You have a lot of work to do to increase your self-esteem and reduce the fear that your partner will find someone "better". Deep down, we worry about our partner's past because we are afraid of losing him in the present. Think about what you don't like about yourself - you probably think that your partner doesn't like these traits either. Engage in self-improvement.

3. Stop judging.

In jealousy of the past there is often also a strong element of condemnation. Perhaps your partner has done something in the past that hurts or makes you angry. Therefore, it is extremely important to work through and eliminate this condemnation.

So here are three keys to recovery: work on your self-esteem, stop judging your partner, and try not to fall into the trap of overthinking about the past, and soon you will feel the pangs of jealousy begin to leave you.

About the expert

Jeff Billings, author of How to Stop Jealousy About Your Partner's Past in 12 Steps website retroactivejealousycrusher

Zachary Stockill had strong serious relationship with a girl, but relentless thoughts about her former love affair destroyed them as a result. Some time later, he learned that the condition had a name and that thousands of people were suffering from it.

I was in my early twenties when I fell in love for the first time in my life.

One evening, my girlfriend and I started talking about our former love interests - as almost all couples do at the beginning of a relationship.

And just then, in my head, it was as if a switch had been switched.

There was nothing special in what she said about herself, she did not tell any special details, nothing exciting or piquant. And yet something has changed.

From that moment on, I could no longer think about anything other than her past relationship.

I grew up in a small Canadian town in northern Ontario. My parents had a wonderful marriage, and I have, by and large, a wonderful relationship with both of them. Growing up, I had no mental problems - no depression, no increased anxiety, no obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I've always liked girls.

By the third grade (I was 8 years old) I already had two girlfriends! But this, perhaps, was the only case when I simultaneously "walked" with two at once. And in high school, I had everything, as in a textbook.

• How I got into a forced marriage and why I don't blame my husband for what happened
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• Scientists: These six character traits ensure success in life

Then I entered the university and already in my last year I met and fell in love with a girl - such as I had never met before. She was extremely attractive and also smart, artistic, inquisitive.

But when she spoke about her past, I was overwhelmed with emotions that I had never experienced before.

Jealousy for the past

Most of us have an idea of ​​what "ordinary" jealousy is, sometimes manifesting itself as a slight prick of the soul when you see how your partner or partner receives signs of attention at the bar. Sometimes jealousy rears its head when suddenly the name of a work colleague begins to flash frequently in a conversation.

We generally don't like to imagine our companions with someone else, such as with the objects of their former passion, but what I experienced was completely different.

My, let's say, love life was much richer than my girlfriend's, but the very idea that she had an intimate relationship with someone other than me began to plague me.

I didn't know then that what I was experiencing was called retrospective jealousy. Now I know a lot more about it.

I started playing different scenarios in my head involving my girlfriend and her ex-lover, imagining that this was really happening, right in front of my eyes. It was like she was cheating on me with him.

Her past suddenly became my present.

I looked at her old photos, read the comments, trying to determine who these people were, what kind of relationship they had with my girlfriend.

I clung to some innocent detail and painted a whole canvas around it. I added my own details and turned something insignificant into a whole extended script.

If we went out to dinner at a restaurant, the first thing I thought about was if she had been there with her ex? We were passing by the hotel, and I suddenly caught myself thinking: did they make love here, in the rooms?

Her former relationship is the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about when I fall asleep.

Into the social media spyglass

I have become an online detective.

I looked through her old photos, read the comments, trying to determine who these people were, what kind of relationship they had with my girlfriend, if there was anything that hinted at some as yet untold pastimes from her past.

I did all this alone with myself, but it invariably reflected on our real relationship.

I am ashamed to remember how I behaved then.

I tortured her with questions, trying to make her feel guilty about her previous relationship. I was terribly duplicitous, given that my own love life was no less colorful than hers. At the same time, she was practically not interested in my former hobbies.

People who suffer from retrospective jealousy are trapped in obsessive thoughts, painful emotions, and reckless, irrational actions, and then tormented by remorse

But all these disassemblies affected her. Just imagine that your lover is constantly delving into your past, judging you, trying to make you feel guilty, going crazy over some things that no longer mean anything, about which you forgot to even think ... from trifles, nonsense. From some events about which you have nothing to be ashamed of or regret.

Despite all this, my ex-girlfriend was very patient; she tried to reassure me that I had a special place in her heart, that she loved me. And it helped for some a short time- until the same recurring thoughts and questions returned, and sometimes with a vengeance.

It all turned into a vicious circle of unbidden curiosity, bad thoughts, followed by her reassurance and subsequent relief on my part. And then it all started again.

Our relationship lasted for several years, but in the end we broke up. Mainly because of my jealousy.

Misogynist Club

After we parted, I was ashamed for a long time, I felt guilty before her.

I played in my head again and again our showdown, and it was unbearable for me. Stupid quarrels, unnecessary clarifications and the like.

I felt tremendous guilt for acting like an idiot. It was like it wasn't me, but someone else. I understood that it was me, but the feeling was as if some small demon possessed me. It may sound melodramatic, but I really felt like I wasn't in control back then.

Heart-to-heart conversations with friends and relatives, and even with psychologists and psychiatrists, did not give anything. Nobody seemed to really understand me. Everyone basically said something like "forget it, and that's it."

I started googlening things like "obsessive thoughts about my girlfriend's past" and eventually came up with "retrospective jealousy" on internet forums. People are scouring the search engines, driving in one thing or another, not knowing how it is exactly called. This is not a very common term.

And the point is that people who suffer from retrospective jealousy are trapped in obsessive thoughts, painful emotions, and reckless, irrational actions, and then tormented by remorse. From what I read about it, I understand that many psychologists classify it as an obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.

On these Internet forums I met sympathetic people, but most of the statements there reeked of misogyny - there are a lot of men grazing on the Internet who, in fact, simply do not like women.

There were those who justified their jealousy and used the forums to humiliate women. All this was confusing, because, on the one hand, it was there that I first met understanding, and on the other hand, there was a lot of misogyny and negativity.

But there were also those who went to the other extreme. They branded everyone who was struggling to cope with jealousy about their girlfriend's past, accusing them of a lack of common sense.

I could not agree with this either, and in the end I could not find any community suitable for me, but at the same time I wanted to get to the bottom of it.

Psychologistfamily counselingRelate Ammanda Major:

They come to usfor advicepeople obsessed with past sexual relationships of their partners. Everyone understands what jealousy is, but this particularthtype of jealousy is different from the usual.

The fact is that in this case, a person begins to experience "flashbacks"aboutthoseXdevelopmentsXthat did not happen to them personally,which people did not directly experience. This often leads to an obsessive whirlpool of thoughts and an irresistible desire to get to the bottom of what was "really" between their current partner and her or his former lover or mistress.

As a result, they can begin to torment both themselves and their other half, and sometimes it can even result in violence.

I recommend in such cases to seek professional help from a psychologist, and there is nowhat matters is whether you are that jealous or jealous, or whether you are the one who suffers from the obsessive suspicion of your partner.

Journey into yourself

First, I needed to find some peace of mind, so I went on vacation to take a meditation course, and there I began to learn more about Buddhism. It was an important step on the way to overcoming my self-esteem, selfishness.

After that, I began to actively read about spiritual practices on my own, started a blog, and then wrote a book, which I initially published under a pseudonym, because I was still embarrassed by everything that had happened. The response to her was absolutely stunning, so I launched a special course on the Internet.

Today, there is already a whole online community where people can turn to for advice on how to cope with this condition and what can be done.

I was very surprised even by the number of visits to my site - more than 120 thousand people came to me in the past year and about half of them were women.

There was a time when I thought that retrospective jealousy was something that mainly affected the possessive feelings of a heterosexual man, but it turned out that this was not the case. I have been approached by heterosexual women, and lesbians, and homosexual men, and people of all ages - from teens to those who are well over 70.

In addition, I receive a lot of e-mails from people from Saudi Arabia and India, countries where people tend not to talk openly about their sex lives. When I started recording my videos and posting them on YouTube, the response became even greater.

Companions of those who suffer from retrospective jealousy send me heartbreaking letters asking what they can do to help their partner overcome this condition. But I always emphasize that this is a problem that the person himself must overcome, and not they for him. I know this very well myself. My ex love couldn't cure me of retrospective jealousy no matter how hard she tried.

If any of you who are reading these lines now recognize yourself in this story, then the first thing I want to tell you is this: "Do not think that you have to live with this all your life now. This is not so ".

It is possible to overcome retrospective jealousy, and I am living proof of this, as is a small community of former jealousy scattered around the world.

As for my ex-girlfriend, it's a long story. We had long and difficult conversations, but now everything between us, by and large, is not bad. I consider her my friend and she seems to think the same of me. Looking back, I understand that I cannot imagine my life without her, without our relationship. She inspired me to grow, to develop in a direction in which I could not even imagine.

Recorded by Megha Mohan

Drawings by Katie Horwich

Not every woman is able to wisely relate to the past of her partner - that is, to accept his past as a past stage of life, and nothing more. Often the opposite happens - the past of a loved one (especially love in his past) becomes the cause of jealousy, suspicion and, as a result, the collapse of the love boat.

How to learn to live in the present and cope with the "green" feeling?

Jealousy for the former passion of a partner

Jealousy as a feeling all-consuming and completely blocking the ability to think clearly , covers with his head, as soon as information about the "former" accidentally pops up in a conversation with a partner.

Even a casually thrown phrase - “I don’t want to go to this cafe, Katya and I dined there all the time” can be the beginning of a whole detective story - with digging social networks for his communication with the former, viewing his mail and messages, annoying thoughts about the fact that he also hugged the former, loved, drove to restaurants and introduced him to relatives.

Accept the fact that another woman once occupied as much space in his life like you are now - almost impossible.

How to deal with such jealousy?

• Your partner's past has nothing to do with you no relation.
• When you start an "investigation" get into someone else's personal zone and kindle that fire of conflict between you, which then you will not be able to extinguish.
• If you are aware of your heightened sense of jealousy (possession), ignore all the details of the past your partner. "Digging" in other people's relationships will not add confidence in your relationship.
• Stop fighting "chimeras". Live in the present.
• Admit your jealousy and learn to control it.
• If the partner chose you, then he is happy with you, and former love is just one of the turned pages of his life.
• Jealousy is a signal that you don't trust your partner. If you are sure of it, then there is no need to be afraid of the shadows of the past (and the present too). And if you don’t trust, then it makes sense to think about whether your relationship is so strong? Read also:

Jealousy of all women in the partner's past

For some women, even the thought that partner's hands were touching someone else , unbearable. And, it seems, a man is far from being a “nerd” of 18 years old, and female attention to him is a completely normal phenomenon, a woman is pissed off by the fact that he could be loved by someone else.

How to deal with such an all-consuming feeling?

• If your partner is an accomplished adult Attractive man, realize that there were women in his life before you appeared. It would be strange if your partner sat all his life in a high tower and waited for you to appear. He is a man, and his bachelor life involves meetings, relationships, the search for a partner.
• Accidental (and even intentional) mention of former women – no reason to explode and look for a secret meaning in words and deeds. Jealousy always brings discord into relationships, and pathological jealousy - even more so.
• Are you afraid that your partner's connection with the past is too strong? Analyze the situation. Do you have real grounds for jealousy? If there is nothing besides your fantasies, you should calm down and switch to strengthening your relationship (and not to destruction). If real “bells” from the past unbalance you, it’s time to talk with your loved one. Otherwise, an avalanche of distrust and unresolved issues from the past will one day bury your relationship.
• Remember: you have no right to blame your partner for his old romances. And you, for sure, also had meetings and relationships before him.
• Your relationship is life with a clean slate which automatically leaves the past where it belongs. And sincere love does not know jealousy.

Jealousy for partner's children

A fairly common type of jealousy, which, as a rule, has two "faces" .

• First: jealousy towards children . More precisely, anger from the fact that the children "fall" the attention that aimlessly should belong to you.
• Second: jealousy of the mother of his children . Each of his trips to ex-wife in order to see the children is perceived with hostility - “What if he still loves her?”, “And if she tries to return him?”, “Or maybe the children are just an excuse to see her?”.

How to deal with such a two-headed "serpent"?

• First, understand that Husband and wife are forever bound together by their children. Even if they parted a long time ago, they participate in their lives on equal rights (and obligations).
• Love for your children and love for a woman is concept of different nature. The desire of a man to communicate with his children, despite the divorce from their mother, speaks of his decency, reliability and love for children. There would be reason to think and be wary if everything happened the other way around. It is unlikely that a man who crosses children out of his life after a divorce is worthy of respect. Divorce wives - not children!
• It is useless to fight for the attention of a man with his children. And even more so, you can’t forbid him to meet with them, or try to influence his attitude towards them. Children are part of a man. Therefore, this rivalry is initially meaningless.

Jealousy for things (gifts) from a past life

Gifts from the "former", which are kept by a man - frequent cause for conflict in new relationships. A tie, a sweater, a diary, postcards, and especially photographs - any thing from his past causes anger and jealousy. The main idea is “once it is stored, it means it is expensive”.

What to do with jealousy of the past in this case?

• If a thing is “dear” to him, it is completely does not say that the partner still has feelings to ex-lover. It can be a tribute to those relationships, just an unwillingness to get rid of gifts, etc.
• Your relationship is a new step in his life. Relations with the former are in the past. And no gifts (stored, worn, etc.) can change the fact that you are together. But your jealousy can.
• Never do not ask your partner to get rid of gifts and don't try to do it yourself. A quarrel (and even a break) will be provided to you.
• His things (no matter from what stage of life) - this is his personal space. Your life together does not give you the right to audit his things.

Jealousy for a partner's past lifestyle

When a loved one unobtrusively talks about how great it used to be to travel around the world without caring about anything, to break off in the middle of the week to go fishing (hiking, to the mountains) with friends, to “light up” in clubs and generally not from anyone depend, nervous system women fails. One side - from jealousy to a rich and happy partner's past , with another - from feeling worthless “He was happier then than with me.”

Fantasy does its dirty work: a mentally completed picture of his pleasant past without you and a not-so-successful future with you from all sides launches a mechanism for inadequate assessment of relationships .

How to change the situation?

• To begin with, you need to understand that every person has a period of absolute freedom in his youth and the opportunity to take everything from life. Naturally, this stage leaves a lot of impressions and memories that sometimes you want to get from the mezzanine of memory and smile at your past recklessness. But this does not mean that a person lives in the past or hides in it from the dull present.
• If thoughts appear - “He is completely different with me, in the past he was happier” or “Since he returns to those memories, it means that he is better in them than with me,” then it's time to think - is everything okay in the Danish kingdom. Most likely, his memories are just an excuse to smile. But if they reproach you or have a different negative connotation, it's time to talk. Or look at yourself from the outside. Perhaps you put too much pressure on your partner, limit him in all aspects of life, or bring him into a state of discouragement with your actions (or inaction). Take a closer look: maybe your partner is missing something in your relationship? And he automatically compares your life together with his past.
• Don't make an elephant out of a fly. One of the female traits is to create a salad out of nothing and out of the blue, a new hairstyle and a tragedy. As a rule, in the process of a heart-to-heart conversation with a loved one, it turns out that She again “exaggerated”, and He is more than happy in a relationship, and everything suits Him.

Jealousy is a slow relationship poison . Everything that is good in them dies from suspicion, unnecessary questions and quarrels. And jealousy of the past is also an absurd reproach to your half for something that you even had nothing to do with.

The only way to harmony in relationships is elimination of jealousy at its very beginning . Accept the partner's past for what it is, live in the present and build relationships on trust in each other.

The past is the baggage of experience. Miscellaneous. There are little things in this suitcase that evoke pleasant memories and a smile, there are those that you want to hold in your hands and feel like time has turned back, and there are those that you don’t even want to look at. Such “artifacts” in family baggage sometimes turn out to be past relationships of spouses.

The reasons

The focus of jealousy of the past can be different. Most often, a husband is jealous of his wife (or vice versa) for a former spouse or lover. Spouses may be jealous of each other for a child from a previous marriage. The abandoned man or woman may be jealous of the son or daughter of the former, who was born to him already in a new marriage. It happens that jealousy is experienced even for the already deceased ex boyfriend or the girlfriend of your loved one. Sometimes it can resemble a mental disorder.

Jealousy can be both a real relationship between the former and a product of a rich imagination. Consider the main causes of jealousy.

Men

• Weak will and self-doubt. A man means stamina, strength of mind, confidence in the chosen path and his actions. This is when prudent parents raised him and did not suppress these qualities in him. A boy spoiled and overprotected in childhood, as an adult, will consider that everything belongs to him, including his woman with all her personal space. Her communication with a former partner can give rise to a sense of ownership in him, and then he will demand either a constant account, or a permanent stay at home to the detriment of her career or hobby. If in childhood a guy was often suppressed and pulled down, then as an adult he will constantly doubt his worth as a man, compare himself with others not for the better and worry that his girlfriend will choose an ex who seems to him more worthy than him.

• Bad past experience. It often happens that a man has already experienced adultery in relationships with other women. If a certain behavior of the former lover led to treason (for example, she carefully dressed up before meeting with the former), then in the subconscious such behavior is recorded as the actual fact of treason. In a new relationship, a similar behavior of a partner will be a signal of betrayal, although the girl does not have anything bad in her thoughts and careful self-care is just a good habit.
• Frequent contacts of former lovers. If the wife is in constant correspondence or often calls up, meets with the former, then, of course, this can hurt her husband. Although these meetings may be due to common affairs or the affairs of joint children. Then the jealous person can transfer his irritation to children.
• Mental disorder. There is also such an option. Most often, this is an acquired deviation from the norm as a result of a combination of previous causes that contribute to severe stress. stress breaks defense mechanisms psyche, and human behavior becomes inadequate. It manifests itself in the pursuit of a partner, the demand for a constant and immediate report, increased suspicion.

Women

• Lack of faith in yourself. Suspicion to a greater extent than men is inherent in women. And if a girl was underestimated in childhood, her feminine dignity was belittled, then, as an adult, she will continue to live with the feeling that she is an inferior woman, mother, mistress. These feelings do not allow her to open up completely and, pierced by doubts, she compares herself with a potential rival and tries to clarify her worth through a partner. She can constantly ask him about their relationship, how they spent time together, what words he said to her. In this variant, jealousy can also spread to the man's children from a previous marriage.
• Something that reminds her of her ex. The partner himself talks about the former companion, describes the moments of their life together, shows the places where they rested together, keeps the things donated to her. It’s easy for a woman, naturally endowed with emotionality, to imagine what feelings he had for the former and project them into the present. The gifts of the previous ones, which really carry a piece of the former owner, can be no less annoying, and the female fantasy on this basis will paint a picture of betrayal.
• Meeting a partner with an ex-woman. These can be personal meetings or phone calls and chat correspondence. Former partners can contact on common affairs or, if it is reliably known that they have no common affairs and topics, something more brings them together.

Another thing that men and women have in common is living in the past. This usually happens when something does not suit one of them in a real relationship, and they are looking for a reason outside themselves.

How to get rid of it?

Jealous of our partner for the past, we plunge into an unreal world, that is, while we are in the grip of negative feelings, we do not live in the present moment, but are mentally present in stories already passed. Stop being jealous of a guy ex girlfriend or a wife to a former lover perhaps. And it depends primarily on the jealous person himself. Although, for those who are jealous, you can also give a couple of tips.

If you have a trusting relationship with your partner, then you will feel not irritation in response to a change in his behavior, but the suffering of a loved one. Try to support him, just don’t feel sorry, this will humiliate your partner, don’t spare words that will help him feel significant and worthy. If jealousy is groundless, try to talk to your soul mate openly, if possible in a friendly environment. Find out what hurts your partner. Your sincere attention alone may be enough to exhaust the confrontation between you.

It is possible that you yourself noticed or noticed after the conversation that you were provoking your loved one to jealousy. Maybe you often talk about past relationships or show off things that were given during this period. If so, think about it - why do you need self-affirmation?

Now let's figure out what you need to do to overcome jealousy.

To the husband's past

Let's return to the causes of female jealousy.

• Lack of self-esteem. Try to remember who and when told you or made it clear that you don’t dress like that, behave like a woman and, in general, are a bad housewife? Think of these or similar negative statements. This is important in order to understand that they do not belong to you. These phrases were once accidentally or intentionally uttered by your parents or other relatives, girlfriends, those whom you really believed, and therefore took these very words as the truth. Now work a little more and find your own affirmations. Give yourself time for this process and for them to mature. Train daily, because the life script cannot be changed in an instant.
• He often remembers the former, talks about her. Whether he wants to arouse your jealousy or simply states the facts, but you experience annoyance, pain, hatred, or another feeling that destroys you. To convey this to your husband, it is not necessary to sting, get him nitpicking or beat the dishes. You can report your condition in more gentle ways. The most successful of these is a frank conversation. In fact, you want him to know about your feelings. So tell him about them. Only when you feel you can speak calmly, take a moment. The purpose of such a conversation is not to convince the partner what a scoundrel he is, but to convey his feelings to him.

A loving man who values ​​​​your relationship, although not immediately, will be imbued with understanding for your feelings. Be patient. Gently remind him of what's on your mind when you hear or see things that remind you of his past passion.

• Your husband is dating an ex-lover. They really can have things in common and that's fine. Why would he create enemies around him? The preservation of normal, human relations can speak of his conflict-freeness, and the fact that he does not hide them from you can speak of his honesty in front of you. An interesting point: by the way he speaks about the female qualities of the former or about other girls, one can often judge his attitude towards the female sex in general. If there is no obvious reason for jealousy, try to use the situation to your advantage, keep your finger on the pulse. If this still haunts you, you should talk heart to heart with your man, not offending him, but sharing your feelings.

To the wife's past

Which of the following reasons makes you jealous of your partner?

• Heightened self-esteem. Do you seriously think that someone can belong to you? Then keep in mind that in life there will be (or are already happening) situations where you will be considered the object of someone's belonging.
• Increased suspiciousness. When, in childhood, your parents or relatives, sincerely wishing only the best for you and believing that they are instilling strong-willed qualities in you, teased, ridiculed you for a noble act in relation to a girl, pulled back when you showed assertiveness and independence in defending your opinion, in your subconscious formed a mental image: I am ridiculous, awkward and have no right to my opinion or something like that. Identifying these attitudes that you are currently living is the first step to finding your true self. This process is not fast, but it is worth it to implement it.
• Jealousy resulting from past failures with women. This process is easier to control, as it is more conscious and easy to track. Despite the similarity of some moments of your previous and current relationships, you still need to understand that your companions are completely different people. Therefore, it is important to separate the past and the present, consciously fixing yourself on this.
• The wife often communicates with the former. All issues are resolved if they are resolved peacefully. Irritability and discontent will only repel. Talking to your partner will help you deal with your feelings. Tell her about your doubts. Your measured, balanced thoughts, calm and confident, but not assertive tone will do their job, and you will be able to convey to your spouse what you want. In order for the dialogue to take place, it is necessary to listen to the answer without making premature conclusions, but allowing the other half to speak out as well.

To children from previous marriages

If you are jealous of the children of your companion, then you yourself are still an immature person. Because a stable and stable person is generally difficult to unbalance, such a person knows his own worth and appreciates and respects the feelings of other people.

The connection between a child and a parent is a bright feeling, the experience of parenthood is an incomparable happiness! If you have such an experience, it is easier for you to understand your partner, and if not, open your heart. Understand that true love is such a state when you experience it for everyone and everything that surrounds you and your companion. It is all-pervading and does not divide the family into yours or mine. Look for this feeling, take care of its quivering manifestations, and your life will take on a new meaning, and joy will settle in your heart. After that, you will notice how your attitude towards children in general, towards the children of your spouse, and towards your spouse is changing.

People with low self-esteem should learn to share their own and other people's feelings, thoughts, opinions. The destructive thoughts that have visited you, which violate inner harmony, interfere with communication with loved ones, you can and should learn to let go. To do this, define such a thought in a way convenient for you: name, color, shape, or, if so perceived, smell, touch. This will help make it clearer.