Not love, but we ourselves are to blame for the fact that we cannot build healthy relationships.
Love is the most powerful force in the entire universe. It is because of her that the world revolves. It is because of her that life exists. Love is that inexplicable substance (you can say - glue) that connects separately existing and, at first glance, completely different things.
Love is our part and essence, whether we want it or not. And when for some reason (bad experience, fear, fear of disappointment) we refuse it, then, in fact, we refuse ourselves - the real ones. From who we really are.
We become different, feel alone in this wide world. We do not understand how to live and what to do.
Giving up on love is the biggest and worst mistake a person can make. Understand: it is impossible, unrealistic to give up what is in us, what is our essence.
So conceived by nature: our world is love.
When we do give up on love, we are essentially giving up ourselves and our lives. When there is no love in life, consider that there is nothing in it. Money, success, fame - all this is an illusion. Soap bubble: beautiful, but inside - emptiness.
You often hear stories of people who talk about how they sincerely loved someone, but this brought them only pain and disappointment. And they don't want to go through that again. Too painful.
How wrong they are! Love is not something that brings pain. Love is not something that breaks hearts and souls into small pieces. This is a myth that they created for themselves in their heads, drawing how it should be, and how it should not.
Many choose a kind of "love-control" that has nothing to do with true love. They control almost every step of their partner, deciding that they know much better what is best for him, what he should dream about, what to do, and so on. Thus, they deprive him of his freedom. He literally suffocates about such "love".
Thus, it turns out that instead of allowing each other to be themselves, to be free, they, on the contrary, lock their partner in a cage, deprive them of freedom and flight.
Instead of allowing each other to be themselves and live the way their soul wants, they simply cover the light and peace for each other.
They unconsciously destroy their destinies, their lives. This is not just very bad and sad. This has a destructive effect on both partners.
Love is very simple, and there is no need to complicate anything. We just need to love each other and not hurt. Nothing complicated.
Love means that you should bring something good into each other's life, not something bad. You should not try to change or remake your partner in your own way or control every step and action.
If you've been heartbroken and hurt emotionally in a relationship, remember that it's all about love.
It is foolish and absurd to refuse love. These are all prejudices associated with negative experiences or misunderstandings of the very essence of love and relationships.
People tend to compare love to something almost poisonous, claiming that they know everything about love. That someone is looking for profit, the other will try to remake you, and still everything will end badly.
The truth is that they know very little or nothing about love.
When we enter into a relationship, we are overwhelmed with the most optimistic expectations: that he or she will be exactly the same / such as we thought of ourselves, that passionate love will last forever. But life is not a melodrama with perfect heroes and relationships. She makes adjustments to our dreams and we suffer.
This suffering has nothing to do with love. Absolutely. Not love, but we ourselves are to blame for the fact that we cannot build healthy relationships. As a result, a gap and another sad experience.
Yes, things can go so badly that you break up. But, be that as it may, this does not mean at all that the end of the world has come. And that doesn't mean you have to give up on love in your life. We must realize that the life we live is ours and ours alone.
Love does not mean that you have to cling to the one who is near with a stranglehold. On the contrary, love is a feeling when you allow your partner to live as his soul requires. This is his Journey through life. Do not control, do not hold back, do not try to show a more “right” path. Remember, each of us has our own journey.
Remember that love will never hurt you. She knows everything herself, she will do everything herself. She brings happiness. The main thing is not to interfere ...
Love yourself with all your heart, and likewise love other people who appear in your life, even if they may not deserve it. Teach them to never give up on love too.
« How to get rid of love?”- a question that probably occurred to each of us at least once in a lifetime in this or a similar formulation.
I want to point out right away that the question How to stop loving?' or even more rudely: ' How to get rid of love?”- is asked not from happy love and not from a happy relationship.
There is a paradoxical rule for relationships:
The better the relationship was, the easier it is to end it.
Surprising, isn't it? At first I was surprised, but I understood the meaning. Completion is about summing up: emotional, intellectual, and behavioral. If I do not have a load of ambiguities, fog, resentment, emotional trauma and other “aggravating”, then I do not need to “unload” before saying goodbye to the relationship itself and the love in it.
There was even a study that found that widows from families with dysfunctional relationships suffered longer and harder than widows of happy married couples. Thus, the latter intensively experienced the loss for about 15-18 months, after which their normal life was restored, including the ability to experience joy and pleasure.
I don't think they asked the question how to get rid of love”, but simply lived the loss at all the above levels, and that is how they managed to let go.
I would like to note that I will write about partner love, but at the same time, most of the thoughts are quite applicable to other objects of love (relatives, friends, and so on).
In the first part of the article, I will consider popular "everyday" ways to get rid of love, as well as how to get rid of love initially (or almost initially) unrequited.
Navigation on the article "How to get rid of love: ways to get rid of love":
"How to get rid of love?" – popular answers
In this chapter, I will review some of the most popular tips on how to deal with your feelings called love, giving my brief comments.
"How to get rid of love?" - "Find another / another!"
Do you understand that without drawing conclusions from these relations, there are no fundamentally new opportunities to build? Yes, the person may be different, but the script is the same. Or unlived feelings from old relationships will invariably affect new relationships.
"How to get rid of love?" - "Do not mind it!"
"How to get rid of love?" - "Relax!"
Such recommendations are fraught with more danger than benefit. I think there is a benefit in those cases when a person just “eats” himself, constantly thinks about loss and pain, and constantly worries. But most often, the unspoken subtext of such an answer is: “Don’t think about it at all, as if it didn’t happen!”
Sometimes, however, they talk about it directly ... And if you don’t draw any conclusions, don’t worry at all, then ... see the previous paragraph.
"How to get rid of love?" - "Forget!"
The same story as in the previous cases, but I wanted to clarify something specifically about this recommendation: it's basically impossible to forget!
This is possible only in case of injury to the part of the brain responsible for memory, or in case of its illness. This is something you can reply to your friends if they are trying hard to help you forget 🙂
"How to get rid of love?" - "Seek your love!"
But the recommendation is from the reverse series. She comes from the stereotype that love can be achieved. Sometimes, if it is an acceptable game supported by both partners, it is even interesting. But it's often said in other situations that I think of as "trying to starve out."
Love implies respect for the other person and his choice ... And this answer, as it were, completely ignores the fact that the other may not want a relationship, even with all their bonuses from a lover!
"How to get rid of love?" “Don’t stop, love unconditionally.”
"How to get rid of love?" - "What are you talking about!? Love is the brightest feeling!
Yes, especially when it causes everyday suffering. This is my sarcasm. It seems to me that with its help one can well mark the difference between the idea of "bright love" and the real state of affairs.
"How to get rid of love?" - "You're the best! He doesn't know what he's lost yet!
These are the answers that usually cause shame. Moreover, shame in such a situation is, as it were, inappropriate, and it is not possible to place it in any way.
Why this particular feeling? Because such a statement is a frank, stereotyped flattery, which under itself does not carry any grounds or analysis. Shame, accordingly, arises because a person is made more than he really is. And it turns out, instead of support, you still have to choke on your own shame ...
It seems to me that many more phrases could be listed, but I think you could catch general direction my thoughts on responses to similar advice.
I believe that many recommendations initially have their positive value, but most of them have become just patterns that are pronounced at certain times in certain situations ... And many may not even understand what they themselves mean, and also do not understand the meaning and consequences of what they advise.
Situations of love that you usually want to get rid of
Remember, the more time you invest in expectations and fantasies, and not the implementation of impulses, the more difficult it will become over time:
a) make these impulses;
b) experience the very state of being in love;
c) experience rejection and even acceptance (it is difficult to deal with it, when you really expect rejection - dissonance occurs).
There are several reasons for this:
a) recurring fantasies are dispelled for a long time, to which the body seems to get used, as part of your personal reality;
b) emotions, like fantasies, have more time to take root in you;
c) the time you invested in it is usually regretted later in one way or another;
d) there may be anger at the real object that it does not meet expectations and fantasies (although it should not).
But there is a price for such a dispelling of one's fantasies - reality.
Not everyone and not always likes it. It happens that it’s more pleasant to fantasize, there is an opportunity to dramatize the situation and yourself in it, emotional swings appear, drive in life and other “buns”.
It may be hard for you to get rid of not the person himself, but all these accompanying experiences that saturate your life with the help of reality. Just for this, it is important to remember about autonomous interests (interests outside the partner and the couple), to explore and acquire personal values and meanings, to be able to be alone.
In the next article, I will look at how to get rid of love after a difficult breakup. More specifically, all 3 levels (emotional, intellectual, behavioral) of overcoming the feeling of love / falling in love will be considered:
In the meantime, if you have questions, feedback, thoughts and ideas about what was written, wishes, you can share them in the comments. If you have a personal situation that requires special attention, you can make an appointment with me for a consultation.
An article that came today from the stream. Soak up
Rejection of love
One of the causes of persistent failure in life is the decision of the soul to give up love.
If a person is constantly unhappy, this is a rejection of love. Happiness - invariably follows the acceptance of love within oneself, no matter what the circumstances are outside.
The extremes of rejection of love are quite noticeable. If a woman has an abortion, it is a rejection of love. If the wife hates her husband, and the husband beats his wife, this is a rejection of love. If a person climbs into a noose, this is the same extreme.
A person who periodically refuses love does not want to live. He constantly accuses the world, people, the state, God - of injustice. He considers the external to be bad, and locks himself inside himself. Begins to separate himself from the world, lock himself inside, build boundaries. This leads to a loss of meaning in life. And when the extreme reaches dislike for oneself, then the material meaning is lost. For whom to live?
A spiritually developing person connects himself with the world, accepts, allows himself to merge with something unknowable. Strives to be a part of a bigger one, thinks big. These processes are directly related to love for yourself and for the environment. Only love dissolves boundaries.
Development of the disease
Illness - because the rejection of love is a spiritual "disease". Although this is the result of a choice, but this choice is most likely due to some traumatic events, emotions, pain that a person could not cope with. And then it closes.
Spirituality brings expansion of boundaries and freedom of choice. Closedness - attachment to the material, to pleasures that are simple and understandable, do not require spiritual addictions. Therefore, the rejection of love is followed by an increase in attachments.
Within himself, a person evaluates everything in his own way. And with the intensification of attachments, the criteria for evaluation are shifting. This leads to a violation of emotional communication, the substitution of feelings for expectations and demands in extremes. This leads to scandals, tantrums, uncontrollable anger, unreasonable jealousy, mental pain, outbursts of aggression, and many mental and emotional manifestations that are far from ecological and harmonious behavior. And, first of all, from patience and understanding.
The extreme is the release of these emotions into action. This can lead to violence against oneself and others, and other crimes. Crime of human laws, laws of morality, ethics, society.
So the development goes something like this:
1) Rejection of love
2) Strengthening attachments
3) Emotional and sensual crimes (internal)
4) Crimes at the level of behavior (external)
Scope
The most interesting thing is that different stages this renunciation of love can be observed in all people. Only areas with degrees can be different.
If a person has refused to love himself in terms of money, he begins to become attached to money in various forms. And his emotional breakdowns are often associated with the loss of money, increased costs, inflation in the country, and so on.
The same applies to relationships - with a man and a woman, with friends, colleagues, parents and children. The same goes for health and body, attachment to food. The same is true in self-realization and purpose, in work and rest, and in other areas.
But the rejection of love can be local. By giving up self-love in money, a person can more or less adequately respond to money issues in the family, or the income of others. And then this dislike will not be so noticeable, and it will not stand out much publicly.
Having a lack of love in money, a person can just as well give himself to love in the family. And support one area at the expense of another. Slightly pumping out energy and redistributing it, but this supports him from a total “fall”.
Switching attention from unsuccessful areas of life to successful ones, a person is filled with love, feels the meaning and joy of life, and, sometimes, improves other areas a little. Learns to walk on one leg and crutches, but still walk. Don't lay down and die.
That's when a person does not find such areas of love in life (they do not exist, or simply cannot be found, due to blinkers, or troubles), the rejection of love can take on a global character. With all the resulting extremes.
Social and spiritual view
Partially filled with love - society calls "normal". A huge number of people live with cockroaches and pain, suffering in different areas, but learn to compensate for them. And to see the same in the people around us: "We are all crippled, but we endure."
Those who have gone to extremes no longer fit into society. These are "abnormal". They are somehow isolated, treated, made safe.
But we will not touch the social dynamics. It is needed, people learn to coexist with each other and somehow organize themselves. We are interested in the question: how does this affect ourselves, and our tasks in the world?
Coming to terms with the trauma of "rejection of love" is humane. And this leads to a halt in development. You could say lowering the standard.
Development in everything is the goal of earthly paths. This is a high standard.
To be able to be filled with love in all respects. And transform the habit of replacing it with the habit of being happy in everything. To be filled with everything. Be easy, lucky, successful.
From this follow the deliverance from attachments, the transformation of character and feelings. And, of course, changing the external behavior.
As well as the release of spiritual, energy, mental resources. For further development. There are no limits when you don't set them yourself.
How to be healed
In order to be healed, we need to understand the causes of "disease." If you cut off the tops, the roots will sprout again.
There can be many events that led to "refusal of love". As we have already mentioned above, these can be painful and traumatic events and experiences - with which a person has not coped with consciousness.
And we can more or less work with these events. Some of them we remember, some have been forced out into the subconscious, but even there they can be dug up.
At least, most of these reasons exist in the field of our worldview, in this life. We have criteria for their evaluation. Here you can work energetically or psychologically, transformationally, dance, constellations, and many different ways correction and understanding.
What we successfully do and do in different courses. For example, courses of rejuvenation and body correction work with programs of love for the body, accepting oneself healthy and young. And energy courses open your eyes to the subtle world, the world of energies, thoughts, meanings and self-confidence.
But there is another layer of "rejection of love" that is difficult to detect.
Imposed and legacy programs
This is a hereditary, and imposed from infancy way of love.
The difficulty of finding them is that our worldview exists within the framework of these ways of love, they determine our vision. And what can be different is simply hidden from us, and it is difficult to accept it.
When we are shown something simple and quite plausible “people can be rich”, “a family can be happy from beginning to end”, “a person can live actively and provide for himself until old age” - at some points the brain just cuts off and makes us look the other way.
We run away, we hide, we ridicule, we don't believe, we don't take it seriously, we don't apply ourselves, and we have many, many other withdrawal reactions.
As a result, we do not even try to change something.
It is very useful to communicate closely and for a long time with people who have a correct program. But we attract people who are like us. And in order to go to study, and study to the end, and hear what the coach says, and take it upon yourself, you need to at least realize it. And the eyes are closed...
Hereditary blindness, or "troubles", in other words.
In addition, these programs, if not worked out, are passed down from generation to generation in the family. And the whole race is subject to them. Diseases are hereditary, the same “accidents”, life expectancy, patterns of perceiving relationships “just like that”, ways to make money, and much more.
When we demolish these programs, it is akin to insight and a vision of a way out of cyclic life situations. Many things become obvious. And we can also help our family by transforming these programs across generations.
The article turned out to be big anyway, and you can’t do everyone through the article. Quite briefly:
1) Engage in the practices of revealing love
It's always good
2) Learn to laugh at yourself
In manifestations of ourselves, in which we take especially seriously, most often both rejection and rejection of love are buried. Lightness and laughter - help to let go of what we so stubbornly hold on to and free ourselves
3) Engage in inner purity, expansion of consciousness, practices of non-attachment
We clear the energy-information field, programs, blocks, templates are demolished. We expand consciousness - spirituality, the meaning of life grows. Prayer, meditation, mindfulness, everything comes up with regularity.
4) Work on generic programs
Harmonization with the family and parents - in many plans gives the study of invisible and denied blocks.
5) Find a teacher
The process of opening one's eyes to oneself can be unpleasant, but the teacher sees from the side, not attached, and from a more high level consciousness. And makes sure that we develop further
I hope this article has opened your eyes a little to the causes of some cyclical failures in life. And aroused the desire to deal with them once and for all!
With love,
Andrey Ryskov
PS
And, of course, I invite you to attend our courses on the disclosure of love, inner purity and energy.
On which we will demolish a huge layer of unconscious programs, and work with changing these programs in generations.
True love involves mutual feelings, but sometimes emotions go unanswered. Many people have experienced unrequited attraction in their lives. Most easily passed through suffering and let go of the object of worship. But often unrequited love becomes an unbearable burden, a strong feeling does not let go. Psychologists give advice to break the one-way relationship. How to survive unrequited love?
Causes
To know how to deal with unrequited love, it is worth finding out the reasons for this feeling.
- Internal state. Fatigue, depression affect the overall energy, and disappointment in love becomes an addition to the general emotional background.
- Low self-esteem. Self-doubt is reinforced by attitudes: “I’m too ugly for him”, “I don’t match him”, “No one will ever love me.” The lower a person evaluates himself, the more difficult it is for him to achieve reciprocal feelings. There is a strong belief that "I will always be worse than others."
- Benefits of unrequited love. Sometimes such feelings have advantages, but the person is not aware of them. This is a way to hide from life, subconsciously a person does not want to be in a relationship, and a one-sided feeling allows you to get away from them.
- Illusion of love experiences. Unrequited love creates a vivid picture of emotional life. It contains suffering, hopes, internal events associated with the object of love. I don't want to get out of this illusion into a problematic reality.
- Usually people who did not see a model of a happy relationship in childhood do not cope with falling in love. Parents did not show them an example of trusting relationships. It is difficult for such a person to imagine mutual love, it seems to him that intimacy does not exist. The consequences of this are the choice of an unrequited feeling or a complete closure from love.
These reasons may not be recognized, but accepting them can answer the question, “How do you deal with unrequited love?”
Unrequited love is like an addiction
If a person cannot for a long time, then psychologists sometimes use the term "love addiction" or addiction. Love addictions are often compared to alcohol or gambling addiction, only instead of alcohol or games - a living person. When he is not around, the dependent person experiences real torment. He can get sick, get fat, lose weight, looks exhausted. Depending on love, a person directs all his thoughts and actions to the object of passion. He can write letters to him, guard him at home, follow him on social networks.
Signs of love addiction:
- a love feeling arises for a person who experiences indifference;
- a woman or a man experiences unhappy love for a very long time, sometimes for years;
- along with love for the object of worship, a range of feelings is experienced, from jealousy to resentment.
With a severe form of addiction, a career suffers, hobbies and friends leave. Psychologists note that often people come to the reception with the request: “How to cope with love addiction?”. In most cases, their condition is already very serious. Unhappy love is often sung in literature, the most striking example is Petrarch and his Laura.
On a note! Psychologists advise using writing down suffering, thoughts, keeping a diary for love addictions - this is one of the methods of psychotherapeutic practice.
First experience
In youth, many are faced with unrequited love. The first experience, an attempt to build relationships and feelings, is usually accompanied by self-doubt, increased emotionality, idealization of the object of worship. Sometimes unrequited love is useful for outgrowing most of the complexes and fears in adolescents. But it happens that young people are disappointed, first love leaves a negative imprint on all subsequent relationships. Unhappy love is hard to forget, you always return to it with your thoughts.
What to do? How to survive first love? To begin with, it is worth thanking life for the lessons, love comes to us for a reason. We learn to build relationships, observe, become better and improve for a loved one.
You should also sift the wheat from the chaff. No need to glue flaws former lovers for a new lover or beloved. It is useful to break the habit of comparison. Yes, it's not easy to do. Negative experiences often pop up in memory, but you need to thank the universe that you found out who you really need.
survive rejection
Sometimes, in order to get reciprocity, you need to make a confession. It's scary to confess your feelings, get rejected and kill hope. How to survive rejection? But psychologists recommend not to be afraid to talk about emotions. It's better than dreaming about reciprocity for years and not making an attempt to be together.
Open recognition allows you to get out of the vicious circle, to get a mutual relationship. Even if the answer is no, then you need to enter a new stage and build a different level of relationships, taking into account all past mistakes. Don't forget to praise yourself for your courage!
Video: psychologist Natalya Tolstaya about unrequited love
How to help yourself
But how to survive not mutual love? We will analyze the advice of a psychologist. Masters psychological science recommend the following actions.
Investigation of the cause
If you cannot cope with unrequited feelings for more than 6 months, then there are reasons that incline you to love one-sidedly. Try to answer the questions honestly. What makes you continue to suffer? What is the reason behind the unrequited feeling and desire to be loved? Maybe the reason for this is the fear that you will be offended or the lack of confidence in your own attractiveness? What is the main fear in a relationship? If you managed to find out the reason, then you need to deal with it.
"Scatter the fire"
The poet Ovid advised unhappy love to be treated by throwing fires. Reception today is advised by psychologists. May you have many resources that will allow you to escape from an unrequited feeling. New job, passion, hobby, volunteer help. It could be yoga, dancing, driving classes, a reading club, anything. If you scatter the firebrands of a love fire in this way, you can soon see that it has gone out.
This powerful tool helps to reduce stress, as the feeling of melancholy disappears with sweat - adrenaline is produced. In this way, Nadezhda Babkina and many other stars cope with stress.
Make lemonade
A good method was recommended by Carnegie. He advised making lemonade out of sour lemon. The feeling of love can be directed to the creation, and not to the destruction of oneself. There are many examples of people coping with stress and rising above their experiences.
Looking for flaws
Feelings for a man or woman are often based on idealization. A loved one is endowed with only positive qualities, only good things are seen in him. Try to go the other way. Write on a piece of paper all the shortcomings, remember all the flaws, even if they are fictional. This powerful tool is suitable for people with a developed imagination.
Video: psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky, about unrequited love:
Conclusion
The feelings of a person experiencing one-sided love are similar to hopelessness. It seems that there is no way out of the situation. If you have fallen in love and do not know how to survive unrequited love, you should consider contacting a specialist. AT severe cases a family psychologist or psychotherapist can help.
Many people around the world like to change their lives at the beginning of the new year: for example, breaking old love relationships and finding new ones, but for this you must first get rid of love addiction. Here are 4 effective ways how to get rid of feelings for another person.
1. Even the wise Ovid in his poem "The Art of Love" advised: "With a quick movement of the mind, cast aside the object of your passion in order to overthrow the heavy yoke that promises oppression." Having taken the position of an outside observer, try to concentrate not only on the merits, but also on the shortcomings of the object of your adoration. By the way, the French psychologist Jean Piaget saved one of his patients from love obsession, requiring her to burn all the letters and photographs of her beloved, and then remember in great detail about all, even the most insignificant of his shortcomings, and then skillfully inflated them to the size of vices.
2. To get rid of love addiction, sometimes it is enough just to realize that this feeling is not love, but something akin to illness. And then everything will turn upside down: the slave of love will begin to come to his senses. Our thinking determines our feelings and actions. And if a woman thinks that this is love and that there is no love without suffering, then she continues to suffer, sacrificing herself to this painful feeling. If she understands that this is not love, but a special, simply unhealthy addiction, then she will act accordingly.
3. You should not cherish your suffering. You need to avoid everything that causes any association with the subject of sighing: the films that you watched together, his favorite tunes and songs, even mutual friends and acquaintances. It will only benefit you.
4. Do not reject help - do not prevent your relatives, friends and acquaintances from scolding the heartthrob in your presence, let them slander him. So you will gradually begin to accustom yourself to the fact that he simply is not worth all your suffering.
5. Try to organize your day so that you do not have time for love dreams. And if thoughts about your unearthly love attack you before going to bed, distract yourself from them by switching your attention to a simple, but very effective massage. In a state of complete rest and maximum muscle relaxation, without pressing hard, massage with the index and thumb of the so-called. a harmonizing point located approximately in the middle of the ear. At the same time, the action of self-massage for right-handers will be more effective on the right side, and for left-handers, respectively, on the left. Beforehand, you can put on your fingers 1-2 drops of geranium, lavender, orange or cinnamon oil, diluted in 1-2 teaspoons of olive oil.
Evgeny Tarasov
