“Something you look too affectionately at Barsik. As if he is your beloved daughter, and not me ”- children are jealous so funny and naive that we adults do not take this seriously. Nevertheless, the childhood experience of jealousy is very important! It depends on him how a person learns to manage this feeling in the future and what he will receive from it: benefits for own development or sheer pain.
May 18, 2015 Text: Svetlana Ievleva· A photo: GettyImages
The topic of childhood jealousy is considered relevant when it comes to the relationship of brothers and sisters. Here it is obvious, clear, manifests itself dramatically and lasts a long time. It emotionally affects parents, so it’s simply impossible not to pay attention. Other cases of jealousy are not so noticeable, but they are nonetheless many. Children are jealous of mom to dad and vice versa. Jealous of both of them to work and friends. The grandmother is jealous of her other grandchildren, neighbors and grandchildren of these neighbors. They get jealous when a friend in the sandbox moves to another team of builders and when the teacher says too often: “Oh, what a good fellow Petya! You should all take a cue from him." Children are generally jealous. In general, even more jealous than adults - simply because of age egocentricity. They feel that they are part of any relationship between their close people (“If a grandmother praises someone else’s child, it means she doesn’t like me,” “if mom comes home late from work, it means she’s better there than with me”), but they still don’t know how to take the situation logically. Parents who do not pay attention to such “nonsense”, believing that everything will pass by itself with age, make a big mistake. Their children become very jealous adults, suffering from their own feelings and haunting others.
vital feeling
Jealousy refers to negative emotions, but in reality it is simply necessary. Its primary function is self-preservation. Creatures weak, vulnerable must feel the loss of attention to themselves and return it in order to ensure their survival. That is why manifestations of jealousy can be observed in very early age: if a mother starts talking on the phone while breastfeeding, the baby is already starting to get nervous. Dissatisfaction is even greater if someone from the family enters the room. Some children even refuse to eat and cry, wanting their mother to stop all extraneous activities. Growing up a little, they begin to make sure that mom and dad are not too “carried away” by communicating with each other, they can stop attempts to hug, kiss, sometimes they don’t even allow them to hold hands, invariably standing between their parents. "I'm here - take care of me. Because I am small, weak, in need of continuous care. You never know what can happen while you are looking at each other here ”- this is approximately the message of the zealous behavior of young children. Of course, getting older, everyone understands perfectly well: nothing bad will happen if the attention of a loved one is lost for some time. Neither mom nor dad will forget about their parental responsibilities, even if in this moment they are passionate about work or socializing with friends. But jealousy still remains - to a greater or lesser extent - and persists for life. Why is it necessary for adult independent people who do not need guardianship at all? To maintain one's position, to provide social security. Feeling jealous, we understand that something is wrong in our communication, we strive to figure it out and fix everything.
“I myself am very jealous, and my son is the same. “That's it, Maxim is no longer my friend: today he played cars with Misha, but they didn’t invite me. I won't talk to him tomorrow." It hurts me the most when I hear that from him. But I already know that just jealousy in itself does not give anything. "Come up with new game and invite them to play together tomorrow, then everyone will be interested. The next day, the child was just happy: “Mom, we played together all day!”. “You see,” I told him, “and you were going to be offended all day.” Galina, Leva's mother
The behavior of a child in a state of jealousy can be very different - depending on his character, family relationships, situation. Some children do not do anything specific, but start to behave fussy: they walk around, rearrange objects, open and close doors, start looking for some toys. “I don’t understand anything,” my mother says, “he just calmly worked on the designer, so I decided to call you. Well, let's talk another time - I'll go see what he rustles there. Mom enters the room, and a minute later the child sits down again and is engaged in the designer. In this case, the feeling of jealousy was not very pronounced - just at the level of anxiety. In this state, a person (both an adult and a child) simply looks and listens, and does not seek to attract full attention.
“We often go to the doctor with little Masha all three of us - the eldest child is also at home. I’m just starting to talk about Masha - how she sleeps, what she eats, how she holds her head, - Pavlik immediately interrupts. Once I took him an album and pencils, so as not to interfere with the conversation. Exactly a minute he sat quietly and drew, and then how he screams: “Mom, look, I drew how I pee in a flower bed!” The doctor laughed, and I was terribly ashamed. I had to justify myself and explain that this was a joke. Surely everyone thought that the child did not know how to behave. Elena, mother of Pavel and Masha
Sometimes a significant component of jealousy is resentment, and in this case the child closes, becomes depressed, sad. Five-year-old Ksenia was very happy when a neighbor girl began to come to their house: her grandmother agreed to look after her sometimes. However, after a week these visits began to bring more problems than joy. The girl did not play with Ksyusha, but she had fun with her grandmother with might and main: she taught her grandmother's songs in French from dictation, played with her in two hands on the piano. “A wonderful child, you can envy her parents. Really, Ksyusha? Grandma said one evening. But Ksyusha did not hear: she had been sitting in the closet for an hour already, weaving a braid from scarves and imagining how upset her grandmother would be when she discovered that her own granddaughter was not in the house. How she would regret spending time on someone else's child, while her own was suffering so much. How he will repent, and how he will cry, and how he will look for his beloved granddaughter until the very night. Grandmother found Ksyusha quickly (the closet had been a favorite place for offended children since her own childhood), but she nevertheless understood her mistake. She told Ksyusha that she loved her more than anyone in the world and that no, even the most talented girls could replace her.
When jealousy is a strong feeling that a child cannot cope with on his own, he strives to do something unusual, something that will surely attract attention (on purpose he will scatter toys, climb into the mud, hit his sister). Because even punishment for misconduct is better than indifference!
Learning to be jealous
Parents definitely need to learn to "see" jealousy, understand it from the behavior of the child and find the cause. But then this reason must be - no, not eradicated, but preserved! If we exclude all situations of jealousy, then in the future it will only be harder for the child, because he will still have to face it in life.
“I am the only and long-awaited child in the family. To the question "What is the name of the daughter?" my parents didn’t just say my name, but always added: “Because she is our best gift.” The attitude was exactly the same - as a jewel. But I realized this only at the age of six, and before that I had nothing to compare with. I heard only compliments and praise, did only what I liked. My preschool education was at home, and before school they began to take me to a training group. I was shocked... by everything! From the fact that the teacher praises other children, from the fact that they make comments to me, from the fact that the boy with whom I sat for the first week asked the teacher to transplant him (he said that I was fat and took up a lot of space). I cried all day and decided not to go anywhere else at all. Thanks to the teacher - she understood what the problem was and helped me get used to the team. To be honest, even now, at thirty, I am very worried if I do not feel attention. On the one hand, this makes me constantly improve, achieve something, and also work on my character, on the other hand, I continue to suffer from jealousy. I will try very hard to make my daughter have a correct perception of life. You can’t think that the world revolves only around you.” Darina, Anya's mother
The situation of the manifestation of jealousy by the child should be treated calmly. However, it is worth bearing in mind the emotionality of children and the fact that their self-esteem before school age is almost entirely dependent on adults. That is, the child really feels bad when he hears how close people admire someone else. What to do? Immediately say something good about him, in the form of a positive comparison, his expectations associated with him (“Olya, when she grows up, she will also study well - she is still very inquisitive”). Sometimes, if you see that a child is having a hard time coping with feelings, you need to talk, kindly and frankly. “I know you think we love our brother more. In fact, it is just very small and cannot live without us at all. When you were like that, we spent even more time with you.” But the main thing is to show warm feelings more often, both about (praise for success, for the ability to behave well), and without it (stroking, touching, calling affectionate names, expressing delight, making compliments).
Expecting the birth of my second child, I decided to prepare my first child for this event in accordance with all the rules of psychological science. It turned out to be quite easy: the advice of psychologists read in books and magazines did not in the least contradict the dictates of my own soul.
My son was only two years old when I began to tell him about the tiny man who lives and grows in my stomach and who will soon become a member of our family. My son liked the stories about the unborn baby, he gladly put his hand to his stomach, in which the new life. He was prepared in advance for the fact that while the newborn and I were in the hospital, he would have to live with his grandparents. And he heroically endured this first separation from his parents and home in his life.
When we got back together, everything went even better than you could imagine. The baby still slept quite a lot, and my son and I, having missed each other, spent more time together than ever for books, fairy tales, games, hugs. My blue-eyed baby didn't mind if I held a book or told my son a story while breastfeeding her. And it was not at all a burden for him to carry wet diapers to the washing machine and sometimes guard the stroller at the entrance. I enjoyed this idyll. And she had no idea that she was destined to end soon.
Meanwhile, my daughter was getting older, sleeping less. And the moment came when having only one mother's breast seemed to her insufficient. She wanted to have her whole mother at her disposal. A replacement in the form of a dad was not accepted.
Now it was possible to deal with his son only during her short daytime sleep. And I didn’t want to deprive him of such a pacifying and beloved ritual as reading at night! But its implementation turned into a real torment: my daughter pulled the book out of my hands, and if I tried to tell a fairy tale or recite poems by heart, she screamed loudly and literally shut my mouth. She would not let her brother sit on my lap, and even during breastfeeding, she would not let her near.
My balanced and understanding son, in general, understood the explanations that she was still too small to be fair, but he did not deserve such an attitude. Yes, and I myself, tired of meeting the needs of a still dumb baby, so wanted to communicate with a quick-witted and inquisitive son!
It was then that I remembered the many books on parenting that I bought and studied when I had my first child. Will they help?
It cannot be said that the topic of jealousy and rivalry is not at all covered by psychologists and educators. For example, the famous American psychologist Dr. Dobson gives a lot of great advice: avoid situations in which children are compared with each other; in every possible way to demonstrate to brothers and sisters that each of them is of equal value to parents with the rest. Distribute praise and criticism as equally as possible.
Dr. Dobson provides a list of rules and restrictions to help maintain order and discipline in the family and prevent the worst manifestations of jealousy. All these suggestions are really good, and I will gladly use them in a few years. But how to explain to a one and a half year old baby that mom is one for two and that the older brother is also a person? How to organize a joint game, if this crumb still does not know how, except how to destroy a structure built by a brother from cubes or sand?
American authors William and Martha Serz, who became famous for the book "Your Baby", very intelligibly talk about how to prepare an older child for the appearance of a younger one. I have already used these tips. The Cerzes raised eight children. Realizing that in such a large family, children inevitably suffer from a lack of attention from their parents, they came up with their own way out: each child, in turn, mom and dad assign “dates”: they take him alone to the park, to rides, to cafes, talk heart to heart. But this, of course, is not suitable for my tiny jealous girl, she is still too small.
Maybe the problem that has arisen in our family is something exceptional? No, a survey of acquaintances showed quite the opposite. Apparently, to be born when the “place under the sun” is already taken is also a kind of test that is not so easy for younger children to pass.
The only author in whose writings I was able to find some reflections on this problem is the famous psychoanalyst Alfred Adler. In his work "The Education of Children" he considers a situation similar to mine: the eldest son and the youngest daughter. "The first-born boy is usually spoiled and at the same time much is expected of him," writes Adler. "His position is favorable until his sister appears."
According to Adler, the boy, not wanting to part with the position of the only favorite, begins to fight against her. The girl in this situation has no choice but to make extraordinary efforts. She is developing rapidly, in many ways ahead of her brother, and he begins to lose his male authority, and with it his faith in himself. From such firstborns, Adler believes, insecure, lazy, nervous men grow up, who already in childhood felt they were not strong enough to compete with their sister.
Yes, an unfortunate observation. But this is perhaps an extreme. In our case, everything is not so bad. The son does not fight against his daughter, he is peaceful, balanced, well developed physically and mentally, and not a shadow of insecurity in him, thank God, is imperceptible.
And here is what Adler writes about younger children: they bear the unmistakable stamp of being the smallest in the family. Most often, the youngest is the one who wants to get ahead of everyone. He is never quiet and believes that he must achieve more than the rest. By the way, after all, even in fairy tales, the youngest child bypasses his brothers and sisters. It turns out that this is not only Ivanushka the Fool - according to Adler, the younger children in German, Scandinavian, Chinese fairy tales also turn out to be winners.
Of course, in the old days, when there were many children in families, the figure of the youngest child was more distinct. Perhaps being the youngest in a large family is not quite the same as in a standard modern one, where there are usually only two offspring. Nevertheless, the conclusions of Alfred Adler should be taken into account.
However, psychoanalysis is psychoanalysis, and again I cannot read a book to my son, I cannot work with him on mathematics and geography, in which he is already showing interest. And then I turn to child psychologists.
Indeed, the topic of jealousy of a younger child for an older one is much less common in the literature, - agrees with the results of my research, the psychologist of the children's clinic No. 108 in Moscow, Ekaterina Alexandrovna Loshinskaya. - The books mostly tell how to deal with the jealousy of the older child towards the younger one. And this is understandable, because the eldest, at least one and a half year old child, declares jealousy, as they say, in its purest form, with specific actions or words in relation to the baby. It turns out: there is a problem - there is a solution.
But if a very small, irresponsible one is jealous, then it is very difficult to differentiate the causes of his whims. Whether it's jealousy, or he really "I want to eat." Therefore, we rarely say that younger children are jealous, more often: "they are demanding, capricious, they want to attract attention to themselves in any way, they claim leadership." Strictly speaking, we state the formation of a manipulative style of behavior. But it can be difficult to understand that we ourselves provoked all this.
Of course, a jealous child is fighting for a place in the sun. Fights for our attention, which he lacks. Not enough because he is so demanding? No, because this attention was not given to him.
How could they not give it if mom only takes care of the baby? Yes, she devotes more time to him, but internally, emotionally, she can be at the same time tuned in to the elder. Of greater importance for the emergence of jealousy is not the formal amount of time that we devote to children (although it is also), but our internal appeal to one of them.
The fact is that young children are very sensitive to "tuning" to them. They perceive the absence of spiritual warmth as a threat to life and begin to attract attention to themselves by any available means.
A vivid example of this can be the jealousy of a younger child for an older one with a small age difference - especially when the first child turns out to be non-random, long-awaited, mother and all relatives invest in pregnancy, childbirth, in the first months of his life a lot of spiritual energy. So much so that the second baby born after a short period of time can no longer get the same amount - simply because the parents by this moment are somewhat exhausted morally.
Agree: when the family is expecting their first child, the mother, as a rule, only thinks about how he was born healthy and everything went well. All her thoughts are devoted to this baby. During the second and subsequent pregnancies, she can no longer completely surrender to thoughts about who she carries under her heart - older children require her attention, especially if they are not yet very independent.
I myself did not avoid this mistake when the second child appeared in our family. Swaddling the youngest daughter, I talked with the eldest. The baby mode was adjusted to the eldest daughter's mode. All the time I was not left with the thought that I would not give something to the eldest due to the fact that I devote a lot of time to the youngest. I perceived the time of her sleep as a happy opportunity to communicate with my eldest daughter.
And I did not immediately understand why the youngest girl grows wayward and capricious, thinking that these are temperamental features. The idea of jealousy was prompted by the reaction of the baby to the attitude of others towards our children. The more they preferred the older one - calm and docile, the more attention the younger one demanded.
The formal redistribution of attention did not give any results, if not to say that it gave a negative result. Then, analyzing the situation and trying to control myself, I discovered that there are many internal movements of the soul that are completely uncorrectable. And they float to the surface sometimes in some ridiculous forms. So, once, laying out soup on plates, I caught myself putting the plate that I liked more for some reason, although it was completely equivalent, in front of my eldest daughter. I also noticed that when I call both children to me, I always call the name of the eldest daughter first.
However, my attempts to "balance" the attitude towards my daughters within myself were not enough: besides me, the children were surrounded by other people, and they continued to react to the girls' behavior as before.
The fact is that it is impossible to compensate for the indifference of others with an excess of mother's love. It was not immediately possible to convince other family members to accept the youngest child as he is, to discern in him a sincere, much stronger than that of the eldest daughter, attachment to them and dependence on them. The ideal option is when everyone loves everyone equally. But how can this be achieved?
And then I remembered what one mother of many children told me when I asked her about how in a family with five children it was possible to create such a peaceful atmosphere. Every day, she speaks to each child in private on behalf of another (in various forms, often even inventing something): “How Sasha loves you!”. Or: "How Seryozha was waiting for you." Or: "You know, Nadia left you a piece of cake." Despite the seeming artificiality of this technique, it helps a lot to establish real relationships between children - if you do it regularly, without missing a day, as if you are giving or taking medicine prescribed for a long time.
This recipe is perfect for adults too. You don't have to convince them for a long time - you just need to tell your grandmother once that the "wayward" child remembered the soup she cooked with gratitude all week.
Childhood jealousy is like a childhood infectious disease - rarely anyone can avoid it. From the one to whom the parents are more directed in their feelings (absolute balance is extremely rare here!), It depends on how the roles of the jealous and the complaisant child are distributed among the children.
Why is one of the children accommodating and compromising? Because he is confident in parental love and feels protected. Only a person who has enough of what he shares can easily share.
And here is what Elena Anatolyevna Smirnova, candidate psychological sciences, Senior Researcher, Psychological Institute of the Russian Academy of Education.
Modern American psychologists also do not connect the jealousy of brothers and sisters for each other with whether they are older or younger. Children initially feel defenseless, experts say, and can overcome this defenselessness only by seeking the love of their parents. Rivalry in the struggle for this love is inevitable.
Sometimes jealousy takes extreme forms, and sometimes it is disguised so that it is not noticed. Both of these are fraught with danger. On the one hand, aggressive manifestations associated with jealousy can become fixed in the child's behavior and greatly interfere with him in the future in communicating with peers. On the other hand, hiding your feelings, driving them deep into a jealous child is also harmful: it is not known what bizarre forms this unrealized feeling will take on later.
If among your children there is a pronounced jealous, you need to try to objectively analyze who gets more real attention and warmth, and who gets less. Try to balance the attitude towards children within yourself. And finally, carefully monitor the outward manifestations of your feelings.
It is possible that for some time attention to a pronounced jealous person may even be increased. Another child who feels more secure will forgive you for some distance and be satisfied with the attention of other family members. But in this case, avoid extremes.
It is very important for the creation and strengthening of friendship between brothers and sisters to have some kind of joint activity - games, activities, entertainment. And this does not only apply to older children. For baby everyday life families are also "activities". Therefore, while waiting for the baby to appear, you should not send the older child to the grandmother and, most importantly, leave him there for the first, most difficult months for the mother. It’s better some time before the birth of the second child to start taking the eldest in Kindergarten if mom is having a hard time with two. Children from the same family should live under the same roof, this helps them get closer and closer to each other. Of course, all family holidays, trips to nature, to the park, to the zoo, etc. should be shared (unless you have eight children like the Serzes). If the parents are believers, then everyone also needs to go to church together.
But behaviorists (supporters of behavioral theory in psychology) advise resorting to the so-called body therapy: put both children on their knees, hug them at the same time, literally forming a "family circle".
But the preparation of this material took quite a long time: the topic turned out to be very unexplored. However, the acquired knowledge helped, gave confidence. And now the behavior of my little jealous has improved markedly. True, the advice of the behaviorists was clearly not to her liking. She stubbornly pushed her brother away until she could think of something else.
Perhaps this can be called a kind of body therapy. This is called in our family "universal kissing" and is done so. First, children kiss their mother from both sides, then mother and son kiss their daughter, then mother and daughter kiss their son, and so on in any sequence until they get bored. Usually this does not cause protest in anyone, but acts purely pacifying.
Another type of joint activity available to such babies (two and four years old) is when the elder shows the younger pictures in books and, to the best of his ability, tells what is drawn on them, or asks about it.
Now the daughter agrees to play with her dad in the evenings for about ten minutes, and this is enough to put her son to bed and read to him at night. When he goes somewhere with dad, the daughter anxiously asks where Vasya is, and when he cries, she strokes his head with a sympathetic expression.
She did not become less jealous, she just gradually began to understand that her mother was one for two, and there was nothing to be done about it. "Get mother in the property" is possible only in turn, and nothing else. At the age of two, she finally reconciled herself to the fact that we read books in turn. First she - "Masha and the Bear" and "Moydodyr", then her son - the stories of Nosov and Dragunsky.
But the happy time has finally come. Children willingly build houses together from cubes or pillows, climb the sports complex, and most importantly, listen to the same books with pleasure. Until recently, these were only Suteev's fairy tales, and now it's "The Kid and Carlson".
Daughter is three years old. She became more accommodating and accommodating. Communication with her began to deliver more pleasure than grief. Perhaps the test was not so difficult and quite surmountable.
It is worth the first-born to grow up a little, and he increasingly begins to ask mom and dad to give birth to him "brother or sister." But when a second child appears in the family, the eldest has more cause for alarm than for joy. How to avoid jealousy and help the firstborn, along with mom and dad, enjoy communicating with a new family member?
With the birth of a second child, the picture of the world familiar to him collapses. For several years, he got used to the fact that all the attention of parents, grandparents and other family members, even guests who come to the house, is directed primarily to him. When a baby appears in the house, the elder, if he is not sufficiently prepared for this event, is at first perplexed. Why all of a sudden, instead of playing and communicating, as usual, with him, all the time and attention is given to this creature that has come from nowhere, which not only can’t speak, but in general - only screams and sleeps?
If the older child is not explained and shown that mom and dad still love him, he may begin to fight for their attention, consciously and unconsciously. The consequences can be quite unhappy - from pranks and disobedience to stuttering and permanent illness. But all this can be prevented.
Optimal age difference
It is clear that the circumstances are different, but if possible, it is better that the second pregnancy (like the first) be planned. And it's better to plan wisely. The ideal difference between children is 3-4 years, closer to 4 years.
There are reasons for this. When the difference between children is very small, for example, the weather is born, this not only makes the life of parents, first of all, mothers, quite difficult, but also affects the development of both children. A baby up to a year old always needs a mother, and the more time they spend together, the better for the child. After a year, not only emotional contact and a sense of security from the closeness of the mother becomes important, but also communication with both parents. The child begins to speak, walk - it is becoming more and more difficult to follow him and save him every day, and there are more and more questions that need answers. Yes, at this point the child is not yet mature enough to truly feel jealousy, but the appearance of a new baby in the family can lead to the fact that he does not receive all the attention and communication with his parents that he needs. In addition, when children grow up a little, they begin to spend a lot of time together, grow and develop together, almost like twins. This can somewhat slow down the development of an older child: he will “slow down” so that the younger one “has time” for him.
At two years old, the baby is still egocentric, but already aware of himself enough to painfully accept the change in his position in the family. By the age of three, the crisis was in full swing. The questions “why” and “why” the child issues every minute, constantly strives to touch everything himself, try and understand. Keeping track of him at this time can be difficult even for that mother, whose time is given only to him. In addition, at this age, the baby has already grown enough to perceive himself separately from his parents, note how much he receives their attention and love, and even hide his feelings. But he does not yet have the mechanisms to adequately process what he is experiencing. Most often, losing a share of the usual attention and feeling a change in attitude towards himself, the baby, not knowing how to react differently and not having the experience to look at the situation "from the side", blames himself for this and begins to react, most often - unconsciously. For example, he suddenly, having previously grown and developing normally, may begin to get sick often - albeit at such a cost, pulling the center of attention of the family to himself.
A child of four years old can already understand - with a reasonable explanation, backed up by action - that his mother loves him, even if he is not with him all the time. In many ways, he can already take care of himself and even help his elders with taking care of a brother or sister. When the youngest child grows up, they will be interested in playing together.
With a difference of 6-7 years or more, the gap between children is already too large for them to be interested in common games and activities. Psychologists say: in a situation where the gap between children is too large, we can assume that you do not have two children, but one and one more. That is, they grow separately, and parents will also have to deal with them, for the most part, separately with each.
Of course, you should not focus only on age. The eldest, no matter how old he may be, before the appearance of a younger brother or sister, everything that happens in the family needs to be explained. And it’s worth starting even before a new child appears in it.
Getting ready to meet a new family member
The rivalry between children begins when the youngest is still "sitting in the stomach" of his mother. We have to deal with this moment in practice all the time - parents often do not think about it. Being pregnant, the mother can no longer lift the baby in her arms, as before, cannot lie with him, play the way he used to. It is at these moments, even before the baby appears in the house, that the older boy or girl already begins to feel: “Something is wrong!”, and immediately the child has the thought that everything that happens is “because of him / her."
In general, for a child, this is a common scenario: changes in the family, leading to a decrease in attention to him, are considered his fault. Most likely, he will not directly say about it, but he will worry. Therefore, it is better to prepare the baby for the appearance of a brother or sister in advance.
Already during pregnancy, it is useful for a mother to talk with an older baby, explaining and telling him that soon another child will appear in the family, a sister or brother that he so dreamed of. At the same time, you should not promise him that now he will always have a partner for games - at the sight of a helpless baby, the elder will feel disappointed and deceived, because he was counting on something completely different. To give your firstborn a better idea of what to prepare for, you can show him photos or videos that captured him in infancy and talk about how he was a few years ago. Explain that then he could neither walk, nor speak, nor play, but now he has learned everything, and will be able to help parents teach this to the baby. It is necessary that the elder understand that the little one will play with him, only this will not happen too soon. You can show your child books where the pictures tell about how the pregnancy goes, this will help him understand what is happening with his mother, why her mother has changed appearance and behavior, why can't she play with him like before. It’s good to find among friends and acquaintances a family where a baby has recently appeared, and go to visit them with an older child so that he can see with his own eyes what a funny, sweet and touching creature will soon appear in their family.
Particular attention should be paid to the child if the mother needs to go to the hospital for several days, for childbirth or for another reason. A kid who is used to not parting with his mother for more than 2-3 hours may decide that his mother is being “taken away” from him - the reaction can be very different, up to stuttering. Before parting with the mother, the child must be prepared, especially if this has not happened before this moment.
Displacement from the "pedestal"
But no matter how you prepare the older child for the arrival of the little one, the first time in the house with a new family member will not be easy for him. Imagine: everything that he got used to in a few years of his life collapses. At the same time, he seems to continue to do everything as before - but the situation has changed, and in a radical way. He is no longer the smallest member of the family around whom all attention is concentrated. They can even give up on him, forget about him for a while. The kid screams - the elder is sent to another room, as if forgetting about him ... At the same time, he is also not accepted into the "camp of adults" because of his infancy. It was as if he was on a certain pedestal in the family, and he was all the time as long as he remembers himself - and now he was removed from the pedestal, and it is not clear why. The child does not understand: how so? And it can begin to “pull the blanket” over itself.
Senior may react in different ways. Let the parents not be afraid if he starts asking for a pacifier again, even if he has long abandoned it, asking him to put on a diaper, although he no longer needs it, or somehow copy the behavior of the younger one, for a while "turned into a baby." This is fine. It is better to explain to the elder the difference between him and the baby, emphasizing how much he managed to learn, not forgetting to praise him for all the successes and achievements. Worse, if not receiving proper attention and love in the family, the child tries to find it outside - in yard companies, for example. Friends are good, but they will not replace communication with parents.
Not receiving the usual attention, the eldest son or daughter may begin to act up, behave aggressively, express dissatisfaction for any reason, it becomes difficult to negotiate with them. So the child shows adults that he needs attention - and he gets it, even with the help of scandals.
Main quality
With the birth of a baby, mom and dad will no longer be able to give the older child as much attention as before. But here it is not the quantity that matters, but the quality of the time that is spent with him.
The older child is not to blame for the fact that parents and mother in particular are now more busy. It is important to regularly allocate time to the elder that will be devoted only to him and no one else. An hour, even half an hour a day - but the mother should spend these minutes only with the eldest child. At this time, nothing should interfere with their communication. Mom should not be distracted by the crying of the baby, or phone calls, or requests and questions from other family members. It is important.
Maybe at this time, dad, who returned from work, or grandparents will be able to help. The main thing is that the elder clearly knows: there is a "holy" mother's time, when she belongs only to him and to no one and nothing else, and day after day he was again convinced of this.
The time before bedtime is good for such communication. Children often do not want to go to bed, do not fall asleep for a long time. At these moments, on the one hand, they are emotionally receptive, and on the other, they are as open as possible. Before going to bed, you can both talk to your child, read books to him or tell fairy tales, and discuss what happened during the day, in particular, his behavior. At the same time, the older child must be treated with respect. Even evaluating his behavior, actions, you should not compare him with the youngest or with other children. Such comparisons do not lead to improved behavior, but to the emergence of anger and even a desire to harm the person with whom they are compared. It is better to give this time signs of mutual love and trust. Then the child will calmly fall asleep and his behavior will soften.
Helper, not babysitter
The most important thing is to turn the older baby into someone who helps mom take care of the younger one, who can teach something to a brother or sister. But remember: at the same time, the elder is not obliged to be a nanny! There are times when mothers, returning from the hospital with a baby, begin to perceive the older child as an adult - in contrast. But a 3 or 5 year old child is not an adult! Of course, he is older than the one who is not yet a month old. But he is the same child. The appearance of a small one does not mean that the older one has suddenly grown dramatically.
It must be remembered that even if the elder himself expresses a desire to help his parents with his brother and sister, this does not turn him into a nanny. Help in raising or caring for an infant should not become a duty for him, otherwise he will find in communication with the little one not joy, but displeasure, and over time he may begin to strive to avoid it. If the child helps with pleasure, and everything works out for him, we must not forget to praise and support him.
How to go to a specialist
There are also reverse cases - when the mother, with the advent of the baby, begins to pamper the older child too much. This happens if the mother has a great, most often unreasonable, sense of guilt. Its roots may lie in childhood - for example, if she herself once found herself in the position of the eldest daughter who did not receive enough attention. Now, giving the child and pampering him, she seeks to protect him from what she herself once experienced.
Another problem is if the parents, having “spun” with the baby, still did not remember the elder in time, and found that the child’s behavior had changed or that illnesses followed one after another, already when it became impossible not to notice it. In such cases, it is worth contacting a specialist. Professional psychologists know all the algorithms for the occurrence of certain difficulties, and it is easier for us to find the cause and help solve the problem.
The sooner the problem is resolved, the better. Even if there is no opportunity to constantly visit a psychologist, it is worth going to at least a few appointments, properly preparing for them. You need to be attentive to your behavior and the behavior of the child. If unusual situations arise that cause you concern, it is better to write down when, under what circumstances, how and what happened, and come to the clinic with these records. This will help reduce the number of visits, and solve the problem faster and more painlessly, and the parents themselves will become more attentive to themselves and their children, which will prevent new difficulties.
Veronika Kazantseva, psychologist-educator, clinical psychologist of the network of medical clinics "Semeynaya":“When a child with parents or mother comes to my office at the Semeynaya clinic, I conduct a comprehensive diagnosis, because I am a medical psychologist. In order to understand the causes of a child's problems, behavioral disorders, projective methods are very good, in particular, drawing tests. By the way a child draws a person, a family, what colors he uses in his drawings, you can understand a lot. Along the way, even if a girl or boy came to me precisely in connection with the birth of a brother or sister, other causes of problems may also come to light. Tests help to understand why a child has difficulties at school or in kindergarten, communication problems with peers. So you can get to the bottom of the matter: what is actually hidden behind the peculiarities of his behavior, and draw up a competent correctional program, both for him and for his parents. The program can be built in such a way that it can be performed both in the psychologist's office in the clinic and at home.
magazine for parents "Raising a Child", October-November 2013
The first baby, beloved by parents, grandparents, may experience moral discomfort at the moment when his younger brother or sister is born. Due to the new way of life, parents see that the child is jealous of the younger one, the psychologist's advice in this case has a clear structure and direction, which is expressed in the formation of the same attitude towards both children.
If the baby feels an insufficiently warm attitude towards himself or parental love manifests itself more strongly in communication with a newborn child, then the elder begins to experience jealousy, which affects his mental state and
A timely corrected situation, an appeal to a child psychologist will turn the older child’s jealousy towards the newborn into an understanding that the attitude towards him in the family has not changed, and parents need his help and mutual understanding when communicating with all family members.
The dislike or jealousy of an older baby for a younger one is quite common, since the all-encompassing love of modern parents for children makes babies become attached to them and the baby perceives any changes in the behavior of adults as stress. Psychologists have identified other objective reasons that can affect the behavior of the child, in order to exclude negative aspects in relations with children, they must be analyzed and never allowed to happen.
feeling lonely
This reason for jealous behavior often occurs in children who were the only child in the family. Due to fatigue, the change of the “ruling” side in the house, the mother, one way or another, pays less attention to the older child.
Each child psychologist immediately reveals a similar situation, as the baby begins to behave incredulously and secretly. It is hard for him to realize that a younger brother or sister also claims parental love.
The way out is based on building trusting relationships, through joint care of the baby, during which all family members have common concerns, and hence time for spending time together and family conversations.
Each psychologist notes that in a family where there are two or more children, adaptation to replenishment in the family is perceived as the norm. Since parental attention already extends to several kids, and mom and dad already know how to distribute their love and affection.
Lack of attention, separation from mom
This reason follows from the first and arises immediately after the birth of a younger brother or sister. The state of fatigue of parents leads to the fact that they constantly brush aside, play less, talk little with the first-born.
The little one takes almost all the time of the mother, so constant care and love is divided into two, the adult baby begins to be jealous, which leads to psychological problems and in the future a psychologist may be needed to rehabilitate the baby.
The need for growing up
As soon as a newborn baby appears in the family, the eldest child becomes an adult and acquires new responsibilities. He needs to help his parents with a little one, to do household chores. In addition, the mother no longer has time to clean up after two children, and the first crumb has to clean up her own “mess” on her own.
For small pranks that adults liked, the baby is increasingly scolded, calling for responsibility.
The advice of a psychologist in this case is one, do not force the first-born to do household chores, but explain to him that cleaning is an opportunity to help his mother and she will be very grateful. 
Psychologists identify signs in the behavior of a child that indicate jealousy for the younger. These include behavior when:
- Always obedient baby became capricious, irritable. For no apparent reason, she freaks out and cries;
- The elder regresses in skills, tries to become with the "small". Some children may begin to write, suck their thumb, attracting the attention of their parents;
- The baby does not want to share the toys and clothes from which he grew up;
- Jealousy also manifests itself when a child is too curious about a newborn, he is interested in toys belongings and everything that happens to the younger.
Following the advice of psychologists, you can avoid deep moral trauma if you identify these signs in time and immediately begin work on building relationships with a jealous baby.
How does a child get jealous?
Every child psychologist talks about three types of jealous behavior. Because babies manifest themselves in different ways in communicating with adults when they are sure that a newborn takes them more time than he does.
To give advice on solving the problem, it is necessary to determine the type of jealous behavior in the child. Types of jealousy include:
- Passive when the baby closes in on itself, talks less, laughs, is often in a depressive, sad state.
- behavioral when the first-born attracts attention to himself, performs acts that are uncharacteristic of his age. Constantly yells at mom when she is with the youngest.
Another manifestation of the fact that the baby began to be jealous is that he puts on a diaper, demands food in a bottle, wants to seem like a baby so that his mother takes care of him like a little one.
- Aggressive when the baby begins to be jealous and at the same time behaves aggressively towards the younger. In this case, the newborn may be physically injured, so parents should immediately contact a professional, the psychologist will give important advice on how to quickly restore harmony in the baby's soul.
The older the easier
According to child psychologist Janusz Korczak and others: older child, the less he is worried about the younger, or rather his behavior and the fact that his parents share their love.
The older the first-born, the more independent activities he has: sections, circles, games. A teenager, as a rule, has more friends, he can spend time on the street for activities that are interesting to him. Therefore, there is no need for an adult child to be jealous of parents when a younger brother or sister is born, because he already received all his mother's love in childhood. 
The most important advice is that for the peace of mind of the crumbs, after the youngest baby is born, parents need to properly distribute attention between children, to form a trusting atmosphere in the family circle. Psychologists advise teaching the baby by example to help and understand others.
If the younger one nevertheless became the reason that the firstborn began to be jealous, reconsider your behavior. Involve the baby in caring for the baby, let him give diapers, diapers, look after the baby while he sleeps.
You can trust the motion sickness of the baby in the crib, stroller, games during wakefulness.
Show the “adult man” his first photos, tell him that he was also small, and a lot of time was devoted to him, which now requires the smallest crumb.
In a safe environment, on a sofa or bed, let the baby be held, let him feel awe and a certain responsibility.
Each child psychologist will first of all give the following advice, do not scold the baby for awkward movements towards the crumbs, praise any positive manifestations and help in caring for the younger brother, sister.
In addition to direct work on harmony in the family, after the birth of the second crumb, it is necessary to prepare the first-born to meet a new, small family member:
A baby who is not properly prepared for a meeting with a brother or sister will be jealous of the second child. Along with this, every child psychologist advises parents to be an example in the education of such qualities as mutual understanding and mutual assistance. Be attentive to the baby, and then he will become your most important assistant in caring for a newborn.
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“The manifestation of childish jealousy is a normal and healthy phenomenon.
Jealousy arises from the fact that children love. If they are unable to
love, they do not show jealousy "
Donald Woods Winnicott, child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst
To start a conversation, a small experiment: Name the words that begin with these letters "B", "S", "P", "M". And now let's see. Surely the letter "P" and "M" you called the words "father" and "mother", but what about the letters "B" and "C"? Did you name the words "brother" and "sister"? In my practice (in groups, seminars) this has never happened before. I even tried it on relatives - the effect is the same.
What is the matter here?
And deal in "competitive instinct." The most irreconcilable competitors are genetically close: brothers / sisters. Another Austrian psychoanalyst Alfred Adler (a student of Sigmund Freud) described a case that illustrates how strongly the appearance of another child in the family affects the behavior of children: “The boy asked his parents to hold his sister in his arms.
Moreover, the parents were convinced that the boy loves his sister. But taking it in his arms, he soon, as if by accident, threw her on the floor. "Adler's teacher Sigmund Freud describes another case in one of his books. After the birth of his sister, 5-year-old Hans fell ill. In delirium, he shouted:" I don’t want any sister ! Let the stork take her back!"
In my practice, quite often I encounter various manifestations of childish jealousy and rejoice when it is noticeable. Because this means that the child can label his feelings.
Much more difficult is the situation when the child seems to be “not jealous” and even loves his brother or sister, and the child is 2 or 3 years old ... Such situations most often arise in families where the very thought of possible jealousy is simply unacceptable.
Such parents perceive jealousy as a "bad" feeling, by any means they suppress it themselves and try to forcibly instill love in the elder, ignoring the true feelings of the child. According to the same Adler, children who have common parents, but differ in age and sex, develop into different conditions, even if dad and mom do not single out any of them.
Even if the parents believe that the attitude towards the older child has not changed since the birth of the younger one. Parents give him the same attention as before, did not deprive him of his former privileges, do not make new demands on him, love him no less than before the birth of his second child. All these conditions are necessary for the harmonious development of the child's personality.
But unfortunately, this is not enough. The main thing is that the child feels that his parents love him. So that not only you, but also your baby knows that mom and dad are still needed. In fact, it is not the real situation in the family that is much more important, but the perception of this situation by the child.
And the real situation is this - for the older child to be happy, from the appearance of the younger, there are not many reasons, rather the opposite! Before the baby was born, he was the only one! He is the main member of the family - parents and relatives paid attention only to him, toys only for him, only his interests were significant, his mother cooked the food that he loves and many, many other important circumstances.
And when the mother was pregnant, the child, most likely, was waiting for a brother or sister. This, by the way, is another argument of many parents in denying the fact of jealousy. And have you ever thought about HOW does the child imagine having a brother or sister?
Can he know and assess in advance WHAT he will have to face when the baby appears? Children are waiting for a sister or brother and present him as a partner for the game, and that's it. Older children (more often girls) fantasize about how they will perform all kinds of manipulations with the little one, like with a doll, only alive.
And many are very disappointed when faced with a real situation, in which the baby is still very far from a partner in the game. Moreover, often you can’t touch him, he screams, cries, his mother is constantly with him ... Having become an older sister or older brother, the child has ceased to be the only one and this is a very serious experience for the baby.
Our daughter even experienced the appearance of cousins, because she competed for the love of her grandparents, for our attention with her husband when we were visiting.
I talked a lot and told my daughter about it, we talked about her feelings, so she was free in them- she could come up, hug me and say: "Mom, I'm jealous!" and receive in return a portion of love, attention and assurance that with the advent of these crumbs, nothing has changed in my love for her.
Now she is 9 years old, but this competition, invisible to many, continues to remain in the background. Her behavior seems to say: "Look, I'm better!". For example, the nephew hit and cries for a long time, theatrically, everyone consoles her (including her daughter).
After some time, the daughter hits, as if by accident. That is, she did not consciously do it, but there was an unconscious impulse. I hit hard, everyone noticed it, paid attention and began to regret it.
What is the daughter doing? She smiles, wipes away her tears and says: “Oh, it’s okay, it’ll pass now” - and this despite the fact that she was really hurt and the pain has not yet passed, but this is a competitive struggle: “Look how patient I am and I don’t roar for half an hour !". Of course, all this is not thought out as a plan, she does not understand "what" she is actually doing and "why".
Now I would like to dwell on the "hidden" signs of jealousy:
- The child became very nervous, easily excitable, capricious. Or vice versa - passive, sad, does not want to play or does not know what he wants at all. At the same time, he does not say anything bad about the younger. And sometimes he repeats "I love my brother."
- The child has an eating disorder. He lost his appetite, his taste preferences changed dramatically, what he used to love, now he doesn’t eat, and so on.
- Regression in self-care skills. In fact, this happens to almost all children in the appearance of younger ones, at the heart of this mechanism are very serious feelings of the baby. He sees that the baby receives a lot of love and attention, often the mother explains why (he himself does not know how to eat, dress, wash, etc.). And then the elder thinks - it means that if I become the same, then my mother will spend so much time with me. And the strict reaction of parents to such behavior of the child can only aggravate the situation.
- Activation of chronic diseases(for no apparent reason), frequent colds, injuries. Any health problems in which the mother will definitely turn all her attention to the firstborn.
The influence of the difference in the age of children, on the experience of jealousy
The smaller the difference in the age of the children, the stronger the experience of the firstborn. Many parents believe that a 1-2 year difference is ideal, because children still "do not understand anything" - and this is a very dangerous misconception.
The main difficulty is that the goals and ways to achieve them in children with such a difference in age are almost the same. And this means that the competition will be quite tough.
Often this competition is actively fueled by the parents themselves:“He is younger than you, and does not cry,” “Sasha’s picture is neater,” “You are older, but you behave like a little one,” and so on.
Such comparisons do not motivate the child to achieve as such, they evoke completely different feelings: rage, anger, resentment, hatred and a desire to surpass his brother / sister at all costs, but not because he needs it himself ... But in order to to "defeat" him and, as a result, to earn the love and recognition of his parents.
If the age difference is 5 years or more, then provided that the situation is properly organized by the parents, rivalry can be minimized. Often with such a difference in age, the elder becomes an authority for the younger, the ideal to which one wants to strive. Well, for the elder, the situation when they are equal to him is also very attractive and not traumatic.
My cousin and I have a 4 year age difference. I remember how she followed me with a "tail" and obediently played games that I came up with. Well, having matured, I was her main adviser on the topic of relationships with boys, etc.
Now we have the opportunity to observe the same picture with my sister - our daughters have a 4-year age difference. I would like to point out that It is not only the difference in age that matters, but also the age of the children themselves.
The peak of their conflicts and difficulties in relationships fell on the age of 3-5 (nieces) and 7-9 (daughters) - they quarreled, fought, sorted out the relationship. Of course, there is another point here - they are cousins and both are the only and being together they had to learn to negotiate and hear each other.
In this sense, everything is different in the family of siblings - they are initially in these conditions, so the period of adaptation is faster.
A little secret of non-conflict relations
This is the so-called "marriage". When you take children out of a position of equals. For example: "Slavik, help Timosha tie his shoelaces", "Show me how to brush your teeth" - by removing from the position of equals in this way you give recognition to the elder: you are older, the little one looks at you. At the same time, you indicate to the younger the position of the elder and his authority.
But here, too, it is important not to overdo it. Do not burden the elder with worries about the younger, he should not do this. Try to make it interesting for him, and it will be interesting when he is free in this. This is your child and only you have to walk / feed / dress with him, etc. The elder may or may not do it.
- Prepare your child for the birth of a second baby. Even if the firstborn is just a baby. Talk about what it will be like, that it will not be possible to play with it right away. You can consider special books, ultrasound pictures, pictures from magazines. Letting you listen to the kicks and the beating of the heart, tell me that he grew up in your tummy in the same way. Do not forget to talk about how your life will change after the appearance of the little one. And about feelings, too, do not forget that he (your first-born) will forever remain your first child, loved and adored, regardless of what the second one will be.
- Teach independence and encourage its manifestations in every possible way. After the birth of your baby, this will come in handy. In addition, the child will not associate the need to eat on his own with the appearance of a "helpless" sister in this matter, if he did this already before her appearance.
- In continuation of the previous recommendation, I would like to pay attention to one more thing. All the changes that should come with the birth of a second child are best done before his birth.- going to kindergarten, weaning (unless you plan to breastfeed both), weaning from co-sleeping, etc. Otherwise, the child may associate all these changes with the appearance of the baby, which means that the rivalry will be stronger.
- Everyone's situation is different, and so are moms. If you understand that you can’t cope with two children at first, ask for help. Let the husband / mother / sister / mother-in-law take a vacation, time off or go yourself to where it will be easier for you, just don’t give the first-born to relatives for a while ... It just seems to you that the child does not understand anything and does not worry - for him this is a huge trauma - "A brother appeared, now they don't like me and I'm no longer needed."
- To mitigate the situation of "entering the family" of a new person will help a gift to the firstborn. Remember the answers - as a rule, guests bring flowers to mom, dad " beautiful bottle", and a gift for a baby ... Rarely does anyone think about a present for their first child, but he also has a holiday and what else! He became an older brother or sister! Isn't this a reason to get a gift that you dreamed of?
- Don't react harshly if the first-born - dropped the pacifier, crushed the baby's leg, spilled milk, and so on. Be patient. And consider this an occasion to talk about his feelings. I was 12 years old when my brother appeared and when my mother did not see me, I pulled his arm or leg to wake him up. I wanted to play with him, but he slept all the time
- Important point. Let your child be jealous! It would seem that a simple phrase "I see that you are jealous and it's not easy for you" can become very important for a baby.
Firstly, You call him his feeling and he begins to understand the name of what is happening to him.
Secondly, such your reaction "legalizes" this feeling - the child gets permission to feel jealousy, which means there is no need to suppress it. - Buying a new thing for the youngest, pamper your elders too.
- Consult with the firstborn: what to wear, which way to go for a walk and listen to the advice. Designate the position of the elder - he is more experienced, he is an example for the baby.
- When you are busy with your little one, ask your husband/grandmother and so on pay attention to elders.
- Spending time with the younger can be beneficial for the older. For example, while you are breastfeeding your baby, you can read a book that is interesting to the elder. Even a physics textbook. The little one doesn't care, but the older one is pleased
- You should have time that you will spend only with one of the children. Only with the elder or only with the younger.
- Find time for yourself! It is necessary. Raising two or more children requires much more effort, patience, and attention. Take care of yourself!
Remember that the birth of a second child is the time when a mother should pay maximum attention to the first! At first, the baby does not need much - food, care and mother's warmth.
