Jealousy of the child to the younger. The older child is jealous of the younger

It is worth the first-born to grow up a little, and he increasingly begins to ask mom and dad to give birth to him "brother or sister." But when a second child appears in the family, the eldest has more cause for alarm than for joy. How to avoid jealousy and help the firstborn, along with mom and dad, enjoy communicating with a new family member?

With the birth of a second child, the picture of the world familiar to him collapses. For several years, he got used to the fact that all the attention of parents, grandparents and other family members, even guests who come to the house, is directed primarily to him. When a baby appears in the house, the elder, if he is not sufficiently prepared for this event, is at first perplexed. Why all of a sudden, instead of playing and communicating, as usual, with him, all the time and attention is given to this creature that has come from nowhere, which not only can’t speak, but in general - only screams and sleeps?

If the older child is not explained and shown that mom and dad still love him, he may begin to fight for their attention, consciously and unconsciously. The consequences can be quite unhappy - from pranks and disobedience to stuttering and permanent illness. But all this can be prevented.

Optimal age difference

It is clear that the circumstances are different, but if possible, it is better that the second pregnancy (like the first) be planned. And it's better to plan wisely. The ideal difference between children is 3-4 years, closer to 4 years.

There are reasons for this. When the difference between children is very small, for example, the weather is born, this not only makes the life of parents, first of all, mothers, quite difficult, but also affects the development of both children. A baby up to a year old always needs a mother, and the more time they spend together, the better for the child. After a year, not only emotional contact and a sense of security from the closeness of the mother becomes important, but also communication with both parents. The child begins to speak, walk - it is becoming more and more difficult to follow him and save him every day, and there are more and more questions that need answers. Yes, at this point the child is not yet mature enough to truly feel jealousy, but the appearance of a new baby in the family can lead to the fact that he does not receive all the attention and communication with his parents that he needs. In addition, when children grow up a little, they begin to spend a lot of time together, grow and develop together, almost like twins. This can somewhat slow down the development of an older child: he will “slow down” so that the younger one “has time” for him.

At two years old, the baby is still egocentric, but already aware of himself enough to painfully accept the change in his position in the family. By the age of three, the crisis was in full swing. The questions “why” and “why” the child issues every minute, constantly strives to touch everything himself, try and understand. Keeping track of him at this time can be difficult even for that mother, whose time is given only to him. In addition, at this age, the baby has already grown enough to perceive himself separately from his parents, note how much he receives their attention and love, and even hide his feelings. But he does not yet have the mechanisms to adequately process what he is experiencing. Most often, losing a share of the usual attention and feeling a change in attitude towards himself, the baby, not knowing how to react differently and not having the experience to look at the situation "from the side", blames himself for this and begins to react, most often - unconsciously. For example, he suddenly, having previously grown and developing normally, may begin to get sick often - albeit at such a cost, pulling the center of attention of the family to himself.

A child of four years old can already understand - with a reasonable explanation, backed up by action - that his mother loves him, even if he is not with him all the time. In many ways, he can already take care of himself and even help his elders with taking care of a brother or sister. When the youngest child grows up, they will be interested in playing together.

With a difference of 6-7 years or more, the gap between children is already too large for them to be interested in common games and activities. Psychologists say: in a situation where the gap between children is too large, we can assume that you do not have two children, but one and one more. That is, they grow separately, and parents will also have to deal with them, for the most part, separately with each.

Of course, you should not focus only on age. The eldest, no matter how old he may be, before the appearance of a younger brother or sister, everything that happens in the family needs to be explained. And it’s worth starting even before a new child appears in it.

Getting ready to meet a new family member

The rivalry between children begins when the youngest is still "sitting in the stomach" of his mother. We have to deal with this moment in practice all the time - parents often do not think about it. Being pregnant, the mother can no longer lift the baby in her arms, as before, cannot lie with him, play the way he used to. It is at these moments, even before the baby appears in the house, that the older boy or girl already begins to feel: “Something is wrong!”, and immediately the child has the thought that everything that happens is “because of him / her."

In general, for a child, this is a common scenario: changes in the family, leading to a decrease in attention to him, are considered his fault. Most likely, he will not directly say about it, but he will worry. Therefore, it is better to prepare the baby for the appearance of a brother or sister in advance.

Already during pregnancy, it is useful for a mother to talk with an older baby, explaining and telling him that soon another child will appear in the family, a sister or brother that he so dreamed of. At the same time, you should not promise him that now he will always have a partner for games - at the sight of a helpless baby, the elder will feel disappointed and deceived, because he was counting on something completely different. To give your firstborn a better idea of what to prepare for, you can show him photos or videos that captured him in infancy and talk about how he was a few years ago. Explain that then he could neither walk, nor speak, nor play, but now he has learned everything, and will be able to help parents teach this to the baby. It is necessary that the elder understand that the little one will play with him, only this will not happen too soon. You can show your child books where the pictures tell about how the pregnancy goes, this will help him understand what is happening with his mother, why her mother has changed appearance and behavior, why can't she play with him like before. It’s good to find among friends and acquaintances a family where a baby has recently appeared, and go to visit them with an older child so that he can see with his own eyes what a funny, sweet and touching creature will soon appear in their family.

Special attention it is worth giving to the child if the mother needs to go to the hospital for several days, for childbirth or for another reason. A kid who is used to not parting with his mother for more than 2-3 hours may decide that his mother is being “taken away” from him - the reaction can be very different, up to stuttering. Before parting with the mother, the child must be prepared, especially if this has not happened before this moment.

Displacement from the "pedestal"

But no matter how you prepare the older child for the arrival of the little one, the first time in the house with a new family member will not be easy for him. Imagine: everything that he got used to in a few years of his life collapses. At the same time, he seems to continue to do everything as before - but the situation has changed, and in a radical way. He is no longer the smallest member of the family around whom all attention is concentrated. They can even give up on him, forget about him for a while. The kid screams - the elder is sent to another room, as if forgetting about him ... At the same time, he is also not accepted into the "camp of adults" because of his infancy. It was as if he was on a certain pedestal in the family, and he was all the time as long as he remembers himself - and now he was removed from the pedestal, and it is not clear why. The child does not understand: how so? And it can begin to “pull the blanket” over itself.

Senior may react in different ways. Let the parents not be afraid if he starts asking for a pacifier again, even if he has long abandoned it, asking him to put on a diaper, although he no longer needs it, or somehow copy the behavior of the younger one, for a while "turned into a baby." This is fine. It is better to explain to the elder the difference between him and the baby, emphasizing how much he managed to learn, not forgetting to praise him for all the successes and achievements. Worse, if not receiving proper attention and love in the family, the child tries to find it outside - in yard companies, for example. Friends are good, but they will not replace communication with parents.

Not receiving the usual attention, the eldest son or daughter may begin to act up, behave aggressively, express dissatisfaction for any reason, it becomes difficult to negotiate with them. So the child shows adults that he needs attention - and he gets it, even with the help of scandals.

Main quality

With the birth of a baby, mom and dad will no longer be able to give the older child as much attention as before. But here it is not the quantity that matters, but the quality of the time that is spent with him.

The older child is not to blame for the fact that parents and mother in particular are now more busy. It is important to regularly allocate time to the elder that will be devoted only to him and no one else. An hour, even half an hour a day - but the mother should spend these minutes only with the eldest child. At this time, nothing should interfere with their communication. Mom should not be distracted by the crying of the baby, or phone calls, or requests and questions from other family members. It is important.

Maybe at this time, dad, who returned from work, or grandparents will be able to help. The main thing is that the elder clearly knows: there is a "holy" mother's time, when she belongs only to him and to no one and nothing else, and day after day he was again convinced of this.

The time before bedtime is good for such communication. Children often do not want to go to bed, do not fall asleep for a long time. At these moments, on the one hand, they are emotionally receptive, and on the other, they are as open as possible. Before going to bed, you can both talk to your child, read books to him or tell fairy tales, and discuss what happened during the day, in particular, his behavior. At the same time, the older child must be treated with respect. Even evaluating his behavior, actions, you should not compare him with the youngest or with other children. Such comparisons do not lead to improved behavior, but to the emergence of anger and even a desire to harm the person with whom they are compared. It is better to give this time signs of mutual love and trust. Then the child will calmly fall asleep and his behavior will soften.

Helper, not babysitter

The most important thing is to turn the older baby into someone who helps mom take care of the younger one, who can teach something to a brother or sister. But remember: at the same time, the elder is not obliged to be a nanny! There are times when mothers, returning from the hospital with a baby, begin to perceive the older child as an adult - in contrast. But a 3 or 5 year old child is not an adult! Of course, he is older than the one who is not yet a month old. But he is the same child. The appearance of a small one does not mean that the older one has suddenly grown dramatically.

It must be remembered that even if the elder himself expresses a desire to help his parents with his brother and sister, this does not turn him into a nanny. Help in raising or caring for an infant should not become a duty for him, otherwise he will find in communication with the little one not joy, but displeasure, and over time he may begin to strive to avoid him. If the child helps with pleasure, and everything works out for him, we must not forget to praise and support him.

How to go to a specialist

There are also reverse cases - when the mother, with the advent of the baby, begins to pamper the older child too much. This happens if the mother has a great, most often unreasonable, sense of guilt. Its roots may lie in childhood - for example, if she herself once found herself in the position of the eldest daughter who did not receive enough attention. Now, giving the child and pampering him, she seeks to protect him from what she herself once experienced.

Another problem is if the parents, having “spun” with the baby, still did not remember the elder in time, and found that the child’s behavior had changed or that illnesses followed one after another, already when it became impossible not to notice it. In such cases, it is worth contacting a specialist. Professional psychologists know all the algorithms for the occurrence of certain difficulties, and it is easier for us to find the cause and help solve the problem.

The sooner the problem is resolved, the better. Even if there is no opportunity to constantly visit a psychologist, it is worth going to at least a few appointments, properly preparing for them. You need to be attentive to your behavior and the behavior of the child. If unusual situations arise that cause you concern, it is better to write down when, under what circumstances, how and what happened, and come to the clinic with these records. This will help reduce the number of visits, and solve the problem faster and more painlessly, and the parents themselves will become more attentive to themselves and their children, which will prevent new difficulties.

Veronika Kazantseva, psychologist-educator, clinical psychologist of the network of medical clinics "Semeynaya":“When a child with parents or mother comes to my office at the Semeynaya clinic, I conduct a comprehensive diagnosis, because I am a medical psychologist. In order to understand the causes of a child's problems, behavioral disorders, projective methods are very good, in particular, drawing tests. By the way a child draws a person, a family, what colors he uses in his drawings, you can understand a lot. Along the way, even if a girl or boy came to me precisely in connection with the birth of a brother or sister, other causes of problems may also come to light. Tests help understand why a child is having difficulty at school or in kindergarten problems of communication with peers. So you can get to the bottom of the matter: what is actually hidden behind the peculiarities of his behavior, and draw up a competent correctional program, both for him and for his parents. The program can be built in such a way that it can be performed both in the psychologist's office in the clinic and at home.

magazine for parents "Raising a Child", October-November 2013

A little jealousy between children is normal, it should not be focused on and special efforts should not be spent to prevent it. Parents often don't realize that worrying about it causes them to behave in ways that only increase their jealousy as a result. For example, the mother tries to cut the pie into exactly the same pieces so as not to arouse suspicious looks from the children - if someone else was given more. But then the children look at the mother at this time even more closely. And the more we try to avoid possible resentment, the more sensitive children become.
The best thing you can do to eliminate jealousy is not to worry about it. Most children get jealous sometimes; but if they do not pay attention to it, they stop doing it themselves.

Jealousy for a new baby

Much has already been written about the jealousy of the "dethroned" eldest child. At first, as it is explained, while he is the smallest, he has the lion's share of the attention of his parents. And suddenly a new alien takes away this prerogative from him, and jealousy arises as a result. Of course, many older children do have this feeling for the new baby; but it does not follow that it is obligatory for each of the children.
The main thing is not to be constantly on the alert, noting all the symptoms of jealousy. If they are present, this is a normal phenomenon, and there is nothing to sound the alarm because of it. Parents should not make the mistake of going to any lengths to appease the jealousy of the older child, such as yielding to his demands when they are holding the little one, or hastening to lay him down when he is waiting for attention; this only increases the harassment of the elder. Don't hesitate to show your feelings for the new baby, and don't feel like you have to hug the older one when you hug the baby.
Parents can help the older child develop a positive relationship with the younger one by giving him or her the best opportunity to take care of the little one by asking him for help. Children naturally feel the helplessness of the little one, and this makes them feel protective, so they have a desire to do something for him. A small child can give a bottle, bring a diaper, or even help with feeding and dressing a younger one. And if you ask to hold your child, have them sit on a carpeted floor for safety.
Fortunately, the baby mostly sleeps for the first months of his life and, apart from purely physical care, does not need our attention. Therefore, give most of it to the older child, so that with our help he will gradually get used to sharing it with the younger child.
If an older child needs to be moved to a larger bed to make room for a smaller one, it is best to do so a few months in advance or he will feel like the baby has pushed him out of his seat. And also if he has to start going to a nursery, send him there in advance, about two months in advance, so that he does not think that because of the little one he lost his home.
So that the elder does not interfere with you during feeding and has something to do, keep some toys near you. One mother of several small children at this time reads to the elders. And before sitting down with the baby, she tells them: "Take your toys and books - now we will sit together." Of course, if there are older children nearby, you can ask them to play with the younger ones for now; then you can enjoy being alone with the baby.
Often a child reacts to the appearance of a baby by saying that he also wants to be small. He also asks for a bottle and a pacifier and behaves like a baby. But such temporal regression is not a matter of concern. Parents can humor this childish desire to some extent, while at the same time emphasizing the benefits of an adult child. If he wants to drink from a bottle for a while, let him drink; he won't want to for long. He will see that the milk flows very slowly and that sucking from a bottle is not at all as pleasant as he thought. And as for the pacifier, which spoils the teeth with prolonged use, it is best that he take it only when he goes to bed. And when he falls asleep, you can take it out of his mouth, explaining to him first why we do this.
Sometimes an older child can show his jealousy with suspicious hugs that make the baby cry. The main thing here is that we should not think that he deliberately wants to hurt him; better understand it as an absurd expression of emotion. And instead of shouting to him: “You hurt the little one!” Tell him: “Hug the child more gently.” And you can explain: “You are big and strong; you don’t understand that hugging a child hurts him - that’s why he cries. Let me show you how to hug him” (and for example, hug him yourself). "Now let's see how you can gently hug him."
And the same thing if an older child plays with a baby like that. Take the child's hand in yours and say, "The baby is tender and we must treat him gently. If we are too rough, he hurts." And with the other hand, gently stroke the face and hand of the child with the words: "Look - it's nice. Now do it for the little one." And with the hand of the child, gently stroke the baby on the face and on the arms, as if you were saying: "Look, the little one likes it. It's nice. And now you do it." And let him do it, praise him and hug him.
Physical attacks on an infant are naturally not to be tolerated. We must immediately take the elder and tell him calmly but firmly: "I do not allow you to be with the baby if you hurt him." And the child should be sent to another part of the house for a while. It is important not to scold or shame him, because this can increase his feelings of hostility.

Jealousy between other children

Obviously, parents should not have favorites, because especially among children of close age, this can cause jealousy. The Talmud writes that Yaakov singled out Yosef by giving him special clothes.
One of the children should never be spared, because Jacob gave Yosef two grays more wool than his other sons, because of this the brothers hated him, and our forefathers had to go into exile in Egypt.
While some degree of jealousy between children is always possible, parents can minimize it by never comparing children. You can't say to a child, "Why aren't you like your brother (or sister)?" Try not to praise any of the children, do not exalt their achievements in the presence of others, if you have a suspicion that this may cause jealousy. When one of the children is jealous of another who is smarter or more capable, do not try to talk to him based on his feelings, for example: "It doesn't matter that you don't shine in school, but you do well in sports." Better show him that you understand him: "I know - you want you to have the same grades as your sister."
We can teach children that envy is a bad trait. It causes harm to others, but most of all to those who are envious. And emphasize that envy seems to be directed outward, but in fact makes the envious person unhappy, because he endlessly torments himself with the fact that others have some kind of property or talents.
Younger children may envy the privileges of older children, such as being allowed to go to bed later. But a sympathetic response, "I know, but it's time for you to go to bed," usually takes the edge off and helps children accept the situation.
At the same time, it should be realized that it is unattainable and undesirable to treat all children exactly the same. We need to keep this in mind when a child accuses us of singling out one of the children.
For example, eight-year-old Sarah was bought a new satchel because the old one was torn. Her older sister Miriam complains, "It's not fair! She doesn't take care of her satchel and gets a new one, but I don't!" In general, one should resist the temptation to indulge in explanations with the child. Better to just express sympathy. And here, instead of saying: “But look, yours is still in excellent condition - you don’t need a new one!”, We can pity the jealous sister: “I know you want a new one too. But, honey, in fact he you don't need it." Surprisingly, this is usually enough to help the child overcome their feelings of unhappiness and accept the situation. Sometimes you can just answer with a friendly smile: "Yes, that's it." Of course, one should never say to a child: "You can't always have what you want!"; this only makes the child more unhappy and does not in the least weaken his jealousy. And it's better not to try to balance the situation - for example, it's not a good idea to promise the older girl to buy a new pencil case.
Remember that the child yells "It's not fair!" in the hope that this will weaken your position and help him get what he wants. Don't let him make you defensive. Don't try to prove that you are actually honest. And don't let yourself get angry at the dishonesty of his accusations!
And all this is not because the complaints of children are always unjustified. If, after thinking about the situation, we come to the conclusion that we were wrong, we need to do everything in our power to clarify it. But even then, our response to the child should not express our guilt or apology. Whether he's right or wrong in his complaint, more than a mild "We're doing our best to treat you all fairly", we shouldn't say,
Sometimes a child accuses parents of loving another child more than him. And this is where a sympathetic response is best. Any criticism like "Why are you so jealous?" will only increase his jealousy.
And trying to dissuade the child, for example: "You have no reason to be jealous - you know, we love all children equally," usually does not help either. The parent should listen carefully to the child and first respond with an expression of his feelings: “It seems to you that I love your brother (sister) more than you. Let me tell you something. I have a big heart, and there is a place in it for love for each of you. I love each and every one of my children."
We cannot treat all children equally, and it is just as impossible, however much we may wish it, to love them equally. It may be painful to admit, but the fact is that some children are simply easier to love than others. We are ready to experience this feeling for a child who is well behaved, or a small one who has a friendly and open nature. And there is no need to react with guilt if we have any negative emotions in relation to a difficult child. Rather, we should take it as a challenge, as our challenge to truly love this child as well.

EATING PROBLEMS
Food is a time when you can often hear the chorus of voices "It's not fair!" or "She got more!" Don't be discouraged by thinking how terrible it is that your children have such bad qualities; better take it as something funny. Refrain from answers like "Stop, it doesn't matter!" Better say with humor: "So you don't want your piece?"
Later you can talk to your children. You can start by asking, "Suppose you are sitting alone at the table and you get a piece of the pie. Will you be happy?" Of course, the children will answer yes. "But now there is someone else at the table, and he also got a pie, and you see that his piece is larger. And suddenly you are unhappy because of the same piece of pie, because of which you were happy before. Tell me what What do you need to do now to be happy again?" Someone will probably give a logical answer; and if not, then you give it: "Just don't look at a piece of another to see if it's bigger than yours. And then you're happy."
And now, if there will be complaints again in the future, you only need to remind your children: "Remember that we said not to look, has the other got more than you?"
A different method was suggested by one mother, who saw that it quickly ended her children's complaints. When they shout that they gave someone more, she simply tells them:
"Whoever complains will get nothing."
And if all the children start shouting: "I want the first one!", "It's not fair, she always gets the first one!" - just ignore it and refuse to hand out food until they calm down.

Where does childish jealousy come from and how does it develop. How to know if a child is jealous. Ways to deal with jealousy of the youngest child, one of the parents, stepfather or stepmother.

The content of the article:

Childhood jealousy is a phenomenon familiar to almost everyone since childhood. Zealous behavior towards younger sisters or brothers, friends, one of the parents or grandparents is a manifestation of the fear of losing the attention of the object of jealousy. First we experience it ourselves, as children, then we face the problem already in our children, as parents.

The mechanism of development of children's jealousy

Jealousy is the fear of dislike. So the child is very afraid that an important person for him (in most cases, mother) will give his love and attention not to him, but to someone else. Most often this happens when replenishing the family. And not necessarily at the expense of the second (third, etc.) child. No less jealousy can cause the appearance of a “new” dad or a “new” mom, if before that he was raised by one parent.

One way or another, but the appearance of a new family member disrupts the usual alignment of life. Including the life of a firstborn or a child who now has both parents. And it's not so much about changing the daily routine or everyday nuances. Most often, children's jealousy in the family develops as a result of a change in priorities - now our hero is not in the spotlight, he has a competitor.

And if the child is not prepared in advance for such a situation, his first reaction will be bewilderment. He cannot understand why the new family member is better than him, why he is given so much attention. The unresolved problem of adapting to new conditions can transform bewilderment into rejection, which in turn will push the baby into a struggle for attention, which can manifest itself in many ways - from unconscious and harmless pranks to conscious disgusting behavior.

Important! If you do not put the child before the fact, but spend with him preparatory work- the mechanism of children's jealousy may not start.

Reasons for the development of children's jealousy

As already mentioned, children's jealousy can be multidirectional - to a younger brother or sister, to friends, to mom or dad, to relatives, and even to educators or teachers. The main thing that unites all objects of jealousy is an important role in the life of a jealous person. Therefore, the causes of jealous behavior in children can be conditionally divided into 2 categories: external (independent of the child himself) and internal (formed taking into account the characteristics of character, upbringing, state of health).

The external causes of child jealousy include all changes that occur in the life or composition of the child's family, which shift his authority. This may be the birth of a baby, the beginning of a joint life of a mother with a “new” dad, or, conversely, the appearance of new students in a group or class, and new friends in a company. More capable or brighter. If a child is very attached to his grandparents, the arrival of other grandchildren to them can make him change his behavior.

It is very hard for the baby to experience the appearance of new (half) brothers or sisters when his mother or father creates new family with a man who has children of his own. And not the fact that this new object is really better and gets more attention. But it is difficult for a child to see and understand this.

Another external factor that recent times becomes more and more weighty - work. It is very difficult for children to realize that their parents devote much more time to this incomprehensible “work” than to them.

The main internal causes of childhood jealousy are as follows:

Egocentrism. This position is typical for children under the age of 10-12, when they quite sincerely consider themselves to be the center of the universe. Therefore, the child positions any “newcomer” in the family or company as a replacement for himself, expressing this with negative emotions and protests. He is not ready and does not want to share with someone attention, love, authority, which were previously intended only for him.
Responsiveness. Often children react with jealous behavior to a lack of attention, considering this an unfair attitude. In the family - when most of the child's requests are postponed or ignored due to employment (younger child, new relationships, work). His desires are postponed or not fulfilled at all, and he hears the words “wait”, “later”, “not now” more and more often. This causes him fair indignation, because he is also worthy of attention. The feeling of unfair treatment can also be caused by situations in the company of friends when the child is openly used. For example, they invite him to play only because of toys or a bicycle, they pay attention only when he has a new toy. Or clothes, a gadget - if we are talking about schoolchildren.
Unwillingness to take responsibility. This reason is more typical for a situation where a child becomes an older brother or older sister. The title of "seniority" is rarely perceived by children as a reward or privilege. Rather, as additional responsibilities and duties instead of the additional attention they so need.
Inability to express feelings. Children who do not know how to express feelings of love and affection in the usual ways (affectionate words, "hugs", etc.) use the technique for this: "Jealous means love." And, remaining alone or out of sight of their parents (friends), they attract attention to themselves with insults and defiant behavior.
Increased anxiety. A child who doubts himself, that he is loved, that he is worthy of love, is in constant anxiety. In all events, the baby is looking for his fault: a brother was born, a friend did not go out for a walk, his grandmother did not come to visit, he will come up with a lot of explanations. Far from the truth, but necessarily associated with it, with its shortcomings (imaginary). And here you need to remember that the child will not become anxious on its own - these are gaps in education. The duality of the requirements of parents can lead to this: for example, today curiosity is good and informative, tomorrow it is bad and annoying.
Creation of competitive conditions. To instill in a child a feeling of jealousy for a brother or sister, a certain tactic of parenting can be used when competition is created between children. He was the first to eat soup - he got a candy, he was the first to put away his toys - he went for a walk on the street, he was the first to learn his lessons - you can watch a cartoon or play on a computer, etc. Or the opposite approach: if you didn’t eat the soup, you were left without sweets; if you didn’t remove the toys, you were left without them, etc. Such a selection of one child as “good” in any way gives the other the status of “bad”. And breaks the relationship between children. Sometimes for life.
Feeling helpless. It happens that the roots of childhood jealousy grow from a simple feeling that the child is unable to influence the situation. He looks at his competitor (new friend, new dad or mom, younger brother or sister, cousin or sister) and cannot understand why he is better. At the same time, he cannot justify this and somehow influence the choice of an important person for him. He feels powerless and therefore angry. Due to the same egocentrism, not understanding that love can be different - for children, for soulmates, for parents, for friends, and therefore - independent and quite compatible.

The main signs of childhood jealousy

Manifestations of a jealous attitude towards the object of their love in children largely depend on the strength of this very love, personality traits and the reaction of parents to this. Therefore, they will not necessarily be stormy and defiant. The child can experience everything deep inside. That is, the signs of childish jealousy can be divided into obvious and hidden.

Obvious manifestations of jealousy in children include the following behavioral reactions:

Aggressiveness. The most common form of expressing one's "ardent" feelings for a competitor. This may be a physical impact (if it concerns the "children's" category) - fights, the desire to pinch, push, take something away. Generally hurt. Or emotional pressure - resentment, teasing, name-calling, the desire to slander, incite to something bad, substitute. Or both methods together.
Hyperactivity. Vigilant parents should also be alerted by the excessive activity of the child, which had not been observed before. A pet moved off the pedestal changes the tactics of its behavior in the form of compensation for a feeling of uselessness. At the same time, the newly-baked "zhivchik" not only does not want to calm down, but also refuses to eat, daytime sleep, recent favorite activities (walking, toys, meeting with friends or family, playing with a pet, etc.). He is moody and cannot concentrate on one activity.
Neurotic reactions. In very sensitive children, the response to a zealous attitude to a change in their status in a family or company may not be behavior, but a reaction. nervous system. For example, hysteria, stuttering, nervous tics.

The following signs indicate that the child is experiencing jealous feelings in himself:

Anxiety. The negative accumulated and held back inside, resentment, misunderstanding still break out, despite the outwardly calm child. It can be sleep problems - restless, interrupted sleep, difficulty waking up or getting up. can react and digestive system- poor appetite, indigestion, change in taste preferences. The psyche is also connected, returning old fears and inventing new ones. School performance may also suffer.
Mood change. clear sign the fact that the child is experiencing a stressful situation - a change in his emotional behavior. If a previously cheerful and active baby suddenly becomes sad, passive and whiny, this is a hidden urge that he needs help and attention.
Departure from independence. Very often, older children begin to consciously "unlearn" and "not be able" to do what they did on their own before the arrival of a new family member. A child's view of the world tells him that if he becomes like a baby, to whom his mother now pays so much attention, then she will devote the same amount of time to him.
Deterioration of health. Internal experiences can also affect the health of the child - he may often suffer from colds or suffer from exacerbations of chronic diseases for no apparent reason. Or he may use simulation or injury to get attention.

Important! Jealousy of a child is his emotions, experiences that he can take with him into adulthood, thereby greatly complicating it. Therefore, it should not go unnoticed.

How to deal with childhood jealousy

Most effective method to return the child "to the family" - to restore his confidence that he is still needed and loved. You can do it the most different ways depending on why he is jealous and how he demonstrates it.

How to deal with childhood jealousy towards a younger child

If the birth of a baby is the reason for the change in the behavior of the child, try to correct the situation using the following methods:

Prevention. So that children's jealousy at the birth of a second child is minimal or does not arise at all, you can use the method of preparing the first-born for replenishment in the family. To do this, initiate him into the mysteries of the development of the unborn baby (without fanaticism), let him stroke his stomach, listen to how he pushes, talk to him. Patiently explain why a pregnant mother can no longer play so actively and take her first child in her arms. Show your child his photos and videos when he himself was a baby. Try not to aim the older one at the fact that he will have much more fun with the younger one. Children have a poorly developed concept of time - it is difficult for them to realize what will happen someday. Therefore, a helpless baby born can be a disappointment for an older brother or sister who was counting on a full-fledged play partner. To avoid such a reaction, tell the firstborn that he was also small, did not know how, but eventually learned. But he did not have such a good older brother (sister) who would help him learn the fastest and most fun. Invite or go to visit a family where there is already a baby - let the child see for himself how touching and funny he is. Pay special attention to preparing the firstborn for the fact that the mother will be absent for several days (for the period of stay in the hospital).
Communication quality. Naturally, with the birth of a baby, neither dad nor mom will be able to devote as much time to the first-born as was given to him before. Therefore, try to translate quantity into quality. To cope with childish jealousy, allocate a certain time period - “the time of the older child”, when nothing and no one will interfere with your communication. Let it be half an hour a day, but all this time mom will be only with him. So make it a ritual. It is better if this time is before bedtime - during this period, children are more receptive and open. Communication at this time should be as pleasant and trusting as possible. You can build it in different ways: it can be a fairy tale, reading books or discussing the past day. In the latter case, make it a rule not to compare the behavior of the elder with other children, especially with the younger. Help analyze his behavior, find the best ways to resolve certain situations. If possible, preserve the daily routine and existing rituals as much as possible.
A real look at the role of the older child. The main task of parents is to make an assistant out of the first-born, not a nanny. This is especially true for children with a small age difference. Therefore, involve the elder in helping to care for the baby adequately, taking into account his real capabilities and desire. Entrust him with trifles that are insignificant for you (choose socks or a hat for a walk, roll the stroller a little, shake the rattle, bring a bottle, etc.), presenting them to him with a very important task that you cannot do without his help. And be sure to encourage for initiative and help, so that the first-born feels his importance and need.
Ability to listen and explain. Take time to listen carefully to the firstborn, his feelings towards the current situation. Convey to him what you see, what is happening to him, and understand why. If the child does not make contact, you can use the method of active listening. That is, say all his feelings out loud. Even if he still does not speak, he will hear you and be aware of the sensations you have voiced. Using the same method, direct his feelings in the right direction - his parents still love him and appreciate him, no matter what.
Benefits of seniority. Remind them that the firstborn not only has certain responsibilities to a younger sibling, but also benefits. For example, eating ice cream, watching cartoons, playing on the computer, running, jumping, etc. Just do not overdo it so as not to get the opposite result. In the presence of the first-born, try to talk about the baby not as your son (daughter), but as his brother (sister), aiming at how good he (she) is (good). So the older child will gradually develop a sense of pride that he has a super-brother or sister. Which means he's great too.
Suppression of aggression. Watch the behavior of both children, not allowing to offend each other. It is especially important not to give a discount to the youngest because of his age - he also needs to be explained that it is not good to offend the elder. Do not punish or encourage one child to the detriment of another - find compromises. Then the children will not compete with each other and will learn to sincerely rejoice at each other's successes.

How to deal with child jealousy towards one of the parents

Often, jealous behavior is also manifested in relation to mom or dad, even without the appearance of a brother or sister. In this case, the child is not ready to share the love and care of mom and dad, or vice versa.

Here are some ways to respond to childhood jealousy of one of the parents:

Belief. Try to explain to the child that love for him and love for a husband (wife) are different feelings. They do not replace each other and can coexist perfectly. And you have enough love and attention for everyone.
Compromise. If the child shows aggression or is naughty when you pay attention to your spouse, do not remove your husband. Do not let the child understand that he is more important. In the family, everyone is equal and everyone equally deserves love and a good relationship. Try to involve the jealous person in joint actions: the husband wants to kiss you, and the child, seeing this, is hysterical - offer them to kiss you together; if you want to lie with your husband on the couch together, and the baby is desperately crawling between you - let him in with joy and watch a cartoon together or read a book. Connect dad to the process - let him remind you in moments of childish jealousy that he loves both mom and child.
Abstraction. In a situation where no persuasion and tricks work, and the child cannot calm down, create a comfort zone for him. Walk up to him, hug him, kiss him, play with him. If necessary, take to another room. And only when you see that the emotional position of the baby has changed, you can gently talk to him about what happened.

How to deal with childhood jealousy for a new dad or mom

The subject of children's discontent may be a new family member of a different kind - the new husband of the mother or the new wife of the father. And often the infusion of a new person into the environment familiar to the child is far from painless.

To mitigate it, use a few psychological tricks:

Training. It is necessary to prepare a child not only for the appearance of a younger child, but also for the fact that a new adult will live with him. To do this, they need to give time to get to know and get used to each other. Most The best way for this - the organization of periodic meetings. First, on your territory with a mandatory warning about this child. Then, when your child gets used to the new dad, you can expand the area of communication by going to the park, circus, cinema, skating rink or outdoor recreation. A very effective tactical step during such an event would be to leave the future stepfather and child alone for a few minutes. That is, to give them the opportunity to communicate without an intermediary and gain more trust. The next step will be partial relocation, when a man sometimes stays overnight after spending the night with you and your child. And only after that, if the child does not object or even offers it himself, invite your man to live with you on permanent terms.
Authority. Even if your child is prepared and has accepted a new chosen one, this is not a reason to “relax”, especially if you have a boy. Although girls are also not very easy to accept the replacement of their own mother. Now for a new husband or wife, the main thing should be gaining authority from your child. And this should not be unquestioning obedience only by age gradation - children should obey adults. Dad or mom are not just adults. This is higher - authority, a role model. To achieve such a “title” in the eyes of a foster child, you need a little: to fulfill the promise, to be able to explain the cause-and-effect relationships of certain actions, to adhere to the introduced rules, to be sincerely interested in his life, experiences, hobbies, to be able to support him even with failures and mistakes.
Neutrality. Make it a rule not to interfere with the feelings of the child in relation to the new chosen one. Reassure him that the new dad is not taking anyone's place - he will have his own. And not only you need it, but also your child, because it can become a good friend, protector, helper. And you have enough time for everyone. But do not ignore the situation when the child is trying to point out the wrong stepfather. Understand, but neutrally, without taking sides.
Communication. No matter how much the wave of new feelings overwhelms you, do not leave the child alone. Try to pay attention to the new husband or wife without prejudice to him. Until the situation in the family stabilizes, the baby takes your attempts to retire very hard, especially outside the home. He perceives this as a removal and considers himself superfluous, unnecessary. And in this case, one should not expect great love for the stepfather.

Important! No matter how much you are carried away by a new relationship, you must not forget about motherhood. Now you are not just a woman, but a mother. And this is primary.

How to deal with childish jealousy - look at the video:

Childish jealousy is an illustration of the fear of losing their world full of love and attention. It cannot be ignored - it must be fought. But most importantly, you need to notice it and choose the right way to solve the problem so that your child grows up as a happy and self-confident person.

What is childish jealousy and how does it manifest itself. What methods exist to prevent and reduce the child's uncontrollable feelings.

Every family with small children sooner or later faces the problem of jealousy in a child. Psychologists believe that children's jealousy arises from a lack of maternal attention and a lack of understanding by the baby of what is happening to him. Therefore, if these tasks are solved, then the manifestations of destructive feelings will significantly decrease.

The presented advice of experts will help to solve this problem and achieve harmonious relations in the family.

Children's jealousy: features of manifestation

In most cases, childhood jealousy occurs in children under 5 years of age. They compete with younger brothers and sisters, dad or stepfather, trying to attract maximum attention from their mother's side. And there is an explanation for this.

Up to 3 years, a mother is the most significant object for a child, providing care and love. Therefore, any third-party encroachment on maternal attention deprives him of a sense of comfort and security. As a result, a feeling of anxiety and fear develops, the desire to defend personal territory, which is accompanied by screaming and crying.

At the age of 3, the baby develops awareness of his own "I". He comprehends his desires and intentions, learns to consciously achieve his goal. At this age, childhood jealousy can develop into a category of manipulation.

Often, the mother is pleased when the baby is jealous of her, so she unconsciously reinforces this reaction of the child. And he, in turn, learns to achieve what he wants by manipulating maternal feelings.

Manifestations of childish jealousy are usually accompanied by such actions:

whims, all kinds of whims that act as a means of fighting for the attention of the mother;
aggression towards a second child or an adult who takes away maternal attention;
constant reproaches that his mother does not love him enough, but loves the other more;
isolation in oneself and actions contrary to parents;
a negative reaction to the praise of other children or adults in his presence.

Very often, children's jealousy arises for a younger child, dad or stepfather. Let's consider all these situations in more detail.

At the birth of a second child

The appearance of the youngest member of the family adds to the mother's trouble. As a result, the amount of time previously devoted to the firstborn is significantly reduced. He often blames his mother for the lack of attention and love for him. As a result, the older child develops a sense of rejection by the dearest person.

What should parents do in such a situation:

Catch a favorable moment. Children's jealousy is easier to prevent than to deal with it. To do this, you need to catch the moment when the child wants a brother or sister. Children closer to 4 years old have an unconscious desire to take care of someone. If the birth of a younger child coincides with this period, then the likelihood of developing jealousy is significantly reduced.
Teach your child to expect. It is advisable to prepare the child in advance for the birth of a baby. Explain that a baby is growing and developing in the tummy, which will soon be born. And from that time on, gradually instill care for the mother and the future family member. Then there will be three like-minded people in the family who will expect the birth of a second child.
Entrust the child to hold the newborn. This moment allows the older child to feel responsible for the baby, and to feel a special closeness. If the child is still too small, you can seat him on the sofa, and put the baby on his lap. At the same time, it is imperative to control the process and explain how to behave with a newborn.
Engage your child in caring for a newborn. Very often, an older child is jealous of a mother for a baby because babies require round-the-clock attention and care. Because of this, the first-born feels offended, because the parents cannot devote as much time to him as before. Jealousy towards the younger child can be eliminated if you make it clear to the older one that he is a full-fledged member of the family who is trusted with “adult” affairs: take diapers, give a bottle, look after the baby during sleep.
It is important to listen to your children. And if the older child gets tired of the chores for the younger one, then it is necessary to give him the opportunity to do his own thing: play with toys, watch cartoons or draw.
Be sure to talk to your child alone.. You need to find at least one hour every day to spend it together with your older child, read a fairy tale to him, play or just talk.
Preserve justice for children. As children grow up, there are various situations in which they interact. From time to time, screams or crying can be heard from the nursery. Most often, such circumstances arise in the weather, which cannot share the toy they need, quarrel for this reason, or even fight.
Do not immediately blame the firstborn because he's older. Sometimes it is enough to switch the attention of the kids to any other activity. And if you need to understand what is happening, then do it fairly, so as not to accuse the innocent in any way.
Don't compare children to each other. Circumstances that involve comparing children should be carefully avoided, especially in a large family. Every child compares himself with his peers all the time, and being the last one in his family is a significant trauma for him. Therefore, parents should in every possible way refrain from comparisons, comparisons, and not evaluate one child above the rest.

To a new man

Since the recent divorce statistics are constantly growing, the number of remarriages is also increasing. And often harmonious relationships in a new family do not add up because of children's jealousy of their stepfather.

It is important for both the mother and her new man to know what to do in order to form a positive relationship between the stepfather and the child:

Lay the foundation of friendliness and trust. It is necessary to thoroughly prepare for the first meeting of the child and the new man, to create a special atmosphere so that their acquaintance is friendly and trusting. Calm family evenings, trips to nature, trips to the zoo or to the attractions will help to cope with the likely stiffness.
explain to the child why mom needs a new relationship. For a child, the appearance of a new man in the house most often becomes a complete surprise, childish jealousy develops with various consequences. It is necessary to speak seriously and confidentially with the child that a person cannot be alone, and he definitely needs support and support.
Establish interaction. To become the head of the family, a new man will need quite a lot of time. The problems that appear will help to overcome the pronoun "we". You can involve the child in joint activities, help him in solving his children's issues.
Eliminate negative emotions. The relationship between a stepfather and a child is a continuation of his relationship with his mother. A man must not forget that he is under supervision. The child should not hear harsh words, observe harsh facial expressions or an indifferent reaction.
Accept the child for who he is.. The relationship between the stepfather and the child will mainly depend on the relationship between the mother and the child. Do not remake and re-educate the child in your own way. The mother will still take the side of the child, and the balance in the relationship will be disturbed.
Do not fight for the love of a child with his own father. Over time, the child will understand everything, since the child's heart is very sensitive to the purity of thoughts.

To dad

Many children aged 1.5–3 years are jealous of their mother for their father. So children defend their own right to have the attention of their mother.

What to do if the child does not let dad to mom:

Under no circumstances should a child be abandoned.. It is better to prevent tantrums and involve the child in a fun game with the participation of all three family members. During the game, you need to create conditions that show that the parents love the child, and at the same time each other, and no one is depriving anyone. A child introduced into the community of parents feels jealousy much less and it is not so destructive. Also, the child feels better connection with dad, which is important for the development of a healthy personality.
explain to the child that dad also occupies an important place in the family. Mom should gently and unobtrusively say that she loves both the child and dad equally, and belongs to both of them.
Cuddling with a child. It is impossible for dad to show coldness to mom, just because the child is jealous. Therefore, the baby can be attracted to the arms of the parents. This will prevent possible aggression.
One day a week to give to dad. So that dad, together with the child, went to the park, circus, and rides. Let the father feed the baby, put him to bed. This helps to reduce the spirit of competition and the emergence of interaction. The father and child have common interests, shared memories and topics for conversation.

How to react

Most parents are completely unprepared for any manifestations of childish jealousy, despite this they must be aware that all sensations are dictated by nature to man. In this regard, it is impossible to exclude the emotions that have arisen, which sometimes cannot be explained or controlled.

Childish jealousy is one of such healthy and natural feelings, so there is no need to be afraid of it.

Manifestations of jealousy in a child are due to the fact that the mother for him is the most important person at a certain stage of life. And you should not react violently to them, as parents can only exacerbate the problem.

Even with severe attacks of jealousy, when the first-born offends the youngest, takes away toys, tries in every possible way to harm him, one should not psychologically press the offender and punish him.

It is better to ensure the absolute safety of the younger by being constantly nearby. And with the older child, you need to talk confidentially and explain that the mother understands, accepts and loves him the way he is. And also hopes that he, too, will understand, accept and love a little brother or sister.

The most important thing is to learn how to respond correctly to the expression of children's jealousy, it is unacceptable to ignore and prohibit it. The child is overcome by a hurricane of incomprehensible and uncontrollable feelings. Therefore, the goal of parents should be to teach the child to be aware of their own feelings, not to feel embarrassed and ashamed because of them, and in the future to direct them in a positive direction.

A confidential conversation can help with this, during which it is necessary:

try to explain to the baby what and why he feels;
reassure the child, say that it is completely natural, and it will pass by itself;
be sure to convince the baby that his mother loves him very much, and will always love him.
With the right approach, the child will eventually be able to manage his own jealousy and accept all other family members.

According to experts, it makes no sense to fight jealousy, because the task is impossible. However, to reduce the serious consequences of this destructive feeling is the main goal of parents.

The following practical tips will help you accomplish this task:

First of all, you need to understand that children's jealousy is an obligatory component of the child's inner world. Therefore, you can not scold or reproach the baby for the feelings shown, especially since they arose because of love for the mother. Instead, you need to try to defuse the situation - hug, smile, take a nap, tell the child about your love for him.
Manifestations of love. Psychologists have proven that for a comfortable mental well-being, a child, in addition to kisses in the morning and before bedtime, needs to receive at least eight hugs during the day. With a lack of motherly love, the child will seek it with all possible ways. He will certainly track how much attention is paid to his younger brother or sister, he will be jealous of his mother for friends, hobbies and work.
You have to leave that way of life, which was present in the child before the appearance of a new family member. However, you need to stick to the golden mean. Sometimes parents try to appease a child's jealousy with gifts and permission to do things that were not allowed before. Such behavior will not save from childish jealousy, but will enable the child to manipulate parents.
Every effort should be made to bring closer family members among themselves. Think over common affairs and joint rest.
Teach your child to talk about their emotions. Very often, children's jealousy becomes hidden. It is necessary to agree that if the child feels any dissatisfaction or injustice, he should report his concerns. True, most children do not dare to start such a conversation, for this they need help. The method of conversations is usually used - questions are asked and it gradually becomes clear whether everything is fine with the child, what he is worried about at this time and whether he hides internal resentment.

fairy tale therapy

This method helps to gently explain to the child what is really happening to him, and whether it is necessary to develop such a feeling within himself. In addition, a fairy tale helps to find a common language between an adult and a child. Since most often they speak different languages, moreover, problems with communication are noted precisely in an adult.

Fairy tale therapy is more effective than ordinary conversations. Fairy-tale heroes, analogies, metaphors and symbols help a child to open up, to understand an adult what is happening in a child's soul.

It is desirable that a psychologist or psychotherapist work with the child and parents. It is he who will be able to choose a fairy tale that best reproduces the situation, and form questions that contribute to solving the problem.

It is important to understand that jealousy is a stage of normal age-related personality formation. It is impossible to overcome children's jealousy, it can only be reduced by showing your love and care. It is important to confirm the words of love for a child in practice, and not to distinguish between older and younger.

Joint activities and pastime are also of great importance. The more things the whole family does together, the more united and stronger it will be.

Video: Children's jealousy

“Something you look too affectionately at Barsik. As if he is your beloved daughter, and not me ”- children are jealous so funny and naive that we adults do not take this seriously. Nevertheless, the childhood experience of jealousy is very important! It depends on him how a person learns to manage this feeling in the future and what he will receive from it: benefits for own development or sheer pain.

May 18, 2015 Text: Svetlana Ievleva· A photo: GettyImages

The topic of childhood jealousy is considered relevant when it comes to the relationship of brothers and sisters. Here it is obvious, clear, manifests itself dramatically and lasts a long time. It emotionally affects parents, so it’s simply impossible not to pay attention. Other cases of jealousy are not so noticeable, but they are nonetheless many. Children are jealous of mom to dad and vice versa. Jealous of both of them to work and friends. The grandmother is jealous of her other grandchildren, neighbors and grandchildren of these neighbors. They get jealous when a friend in the sandbox moves to another team of builders and when the teacher says too often: “Oh, what a good fellow Petya! You should all take a cue from him." Children are generally jealous. In general, even more jealous than adults - simply because of age egocentricity. They feel that they are part of any relationship between their close people (“If a grandmother praises someone else’s child, it means she doesn’t like me,” “if mom comes home late from work, it means she’s better there than with me”), but they still don’t know how to take the situation logically. Parents who do not pay attention to such “nonsense”, believing that everything will pass by itself with age, make a big mistake. Their children become very jealous adults, suffering from their own feelings and haunting others.

vital feeling

Jealousy refers to negative emotions, but in reality it is simply necessary. Its primary function is self-preservation. Creatures weak, vulnerable must feel the loss of attention to themselves and return it in order to ensure their survival. That is why manifestations of jealousy can be observed in very early age: if a mother starts talking on the phone while breastfeeding, the baby is already starting to get nervous. Dissatisfaction is even greater if someone from the family enters the room. Some children even refuse to eat and cry, wanting their mother to stop all extraneous activities. Growing up a little, they begin to make sure that mom and dad are not too “carried away” by communicating with each other, they can stop attempts to hug, kiss, sometimes they don’t even allow them to hold hands, invariably standing between their parents. "I'm here - take care of me. Because I am small, weak, in need of continuous care. You never know what can happen while you are looking at each other here ”- this is approximately the message of the zealous behavior of young children. Of course, getting older, everyone understands perfectly well: nothing bad will happen if the attention of a loved one is lost for some time. Neither mom nor dad will forget about their parental responsibilities, even if in this moment they are passionate about work or socializing with friends. But jealousy still remains - to a greater or lesser extent - and persists for life. Why is it necessary for adult independent people who do not need guardianship at all? To maintain one's position, to provide social security. Feeling jealous, we understand that something is wrong in our communication, we strive to figure it out and fix everything.

“I myself am very jealous, and my son is the same. “That's it, Maxim is no longer my friend: today he played cars with Misha, but they didn’t invite me. I won't talk to him tomorrow." It hurts me the most when I hear that from him. But I already know that just jealousy in itself does not give anything. "Come up with new game and invite them to play together tomorrow, then everyone will be interested. The next day, the child was just happy: “Mom, we played together all day!”. “You see,” I told him, “and you were going to be offended all day.” Galina, Leva's mother

The behavior of a child in a state of jealousy can be very different - depending on his character, family relationships, situation. Some children do not do anything specific, but start to behave fussy: they walk around, rearrange objects, open and close doors, start looking for some toys. “I don’t understand anything,” my mother says, “he just calmly worked on the designer, so I decided to call you. Well, let's talk another time - I'll go see what he rustles there. Mom enters the room, and a minute later the child sits down again and is engaged in the designer. In this case, the feeling of jealousy was not very pronounced - just at the level of anxiety. In this state, a person (both an adult and a child) simply looks and listens, and does not seek to attract full attention.

“We often go to the doctor with little Masha all three of us - the eldest child is also at home. I’m just starting to talk about Masha - how she sleeps, what she eats, how she holds her head, - Pavlik immediately interrupts. Once I took him an album and pencils, so as not to interfere with the conversation. Exactly a minute he sat quietly and drew, and then how he screams: “Mom, look, I drew how I pee in a flower bed!” The doctor laughed, and I was terribly ashamed. I had to justify myself and explain that this was a joke. Surely everyone thought that the child did not know how to behave. Elena, mother of Pavel and Masha

Sometimes a significant component of jealousy is resentment, and in this case the child closes, becomes depressed, sad. Five-year-old Ksenia was very happy when a neighbor girl began to come to their house: her grandmother agreed to look after her sometimes. However, after a week these visits began to bring more problems than joy. The girl did not play with Ksyusha, but she had fun with her grandmother with might and main: she taught her grandmother's songs in French from dictation, played with her in two hands on the piano. “A wonderful child, you can envy her parents. Really, Ksyusha? Grandma said one evening. But Ksyusha did not hear: she had been sitting in the closet for an hour already, weaving a braid from scarves and imagining how upset her grandmother would be when she discovered that her own granddaughter was not in the house. How she would regret spending time on someone else's child, while her own was suffering so much. How he will repent, and how he will cry, and how he will look for his beloved granddaughter until the very night. Grandmother found Ksyusha quickly (the closet had been a favorite place for offended children since her own childhood), but she nevertheless understood her mistake. She told Ksyusha that she loved her more than anyone in the world and that no, even the most talented girls could replace her.

When jealousy is a strong feeling that a child cannot cope with on his own, he strives to do something unusual, something that will surely attract attention (on purpose he will scatter toys, climb into the mud, hit his sister). Because even punishment for misconduct is better than indifference!

Learning to be jealous

Parents definitely need to learn to "see" jealousy, understand it from the behavior of the child and find the cause. But then this reason must be - no, not eradicated, but preserved! If we exclude all situations of jealousy, then in the future it will only be harder for the child, because he will still have to face it in life.

“I am the only and long-awaited child in the family. To the question "What is the name of the daughter?" my parents didn’t just say my name, but always added: “Because she is our best gift.” The attitude was exactly the same - as a jewel. But I realized this only at the age of six, and before that I had nothing to compare with. I heard only compliments and praise, did only what I liked. My preschool education was at home, and before school they began to take me to a training group. I was shocked... by everything! From the fact that the teacher praises other children, from the fact that they make comments to me, from the fact that the boy with whom I sat for the first week asked the teacher to transplant him (he said that I was fat and took up a lot of space). I cried all day and decided not to go anywhere else at all. Thanks to the teacher - she understood what the problem was and helped me get used to the team. To be honest, even now, at thirty, I am very worried if I do not feel attention. On the one hand, this makes me constantly improve, achieve something, and also work on my character, on the other hand, I continue to suffer from jealousy. I will try very hard to make my daughter have a correct perception of life. You can’t think that the world revolves only around you.” Darina, Anya's mother

The situation of the manifestation of jealousy by the child should be treated calmly. However, it is worth bearing in mind the emotionality of children and the fact that their self-esteem before school age is almost entirely dependent on adults. That is, the child really feels bad when he hears how close people admire someone else. What to do? Immediately say something good about him, in the form of a positive comparison, his expectations associated with him (“Olya, when she grows up, she will also study well - she is still very inquisitive”). Sometimes, if you see that a child is having a hard time coping with feelings, you need to talk, kindly and frankly. “I know you think we love our brother more. In fact, it is just very small and cannot live without us at all. When you were like that, we spent even more time with you.” But the main thing is to show warm feelings more often, both about (praise for success, for the ability to behave well), and without it (stroking, touching, calling affectionate names, expressing delight, making compliments).